Category: medical

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage, “Hey DeBakey! Is that you? “Come on over here a minute!” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, “So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?”

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic…
“Now try doing it with the engine running!”

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”
“A little more…”

“Like this?”
“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!

A man took a trip to Mongolia. When he got there he had sex with
a women. After he returned to the U.S. he noticed that there
were purple and blue spots on his penis. He made an appoint with
his doctor.

The doctors took a look and told him, “You have a very rare
sexually transmitted disease only found in Mongolia.
Unfortunately there is no treatment and I’ll need to amputate
your penis.”

The man didnt take this very well, “You’re crazy. There is no
way I’ll let you chop off my dick!! I going to get a second
opinion.”

Since he got the disease in Mongolia he flew back and talked to
a Mongolian doctor. “No, No, you no get chopped off. American
doctor just want money. No, No, you just wait. I save you money.
Your penis will fall off by itself anyway.”

A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist’s office and nervously exclaimed, “Doctor, I need your help right away.”

“I can see that,” retorted the doctor. “Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem.”

“I don’t have any problem,” the man snapped. “In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power — everything! But I’m afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble.”

“I see,” said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. “And what seems to be her main problem?”

“For some strange reason,” answered the unhappy man, “she thinks she’s Mrs. Schwartz.”

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. ‘Is it true’, the woman wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed for me has to be taken for the rest of my life’? ‘Yes, I’m afraid so.’ The doctor told her.There was a moment of silence before the woman continued,’I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition really is. This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS!”

there is a blond giving birth and the head comes out black
so the doctor says”mam have u been haveing sex with a black
man?”and the blond replays”yes, but only once” “whell once is
all it takes”says the doctor and then the body comes out yellow
so the doctor says”mam have u benn haveing sex with an asian
man?” “yes butonly once” replys the blond again “well once is
all its takes” says the doctor and then the legs come out red so
once again the doctor askes “mam have u been haveing sex with an
indian man?” so once again the blond replys “yes but only once”
so the doctor says “well once is all it takes” so the doctor
cuts the ambilcal cord holds the multie color baby up and spanks
it and it starts to cry so the blond says “whew thank god it
dosn’t bark!”.

A noted therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their
encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the
line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the
therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line,
who is grinning from ear to ear.

“Twice a day,” the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
“Once a day, then?” Again the answer is no. “Twice a week?” “No.” “Twice a
month?” “No.” The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to “once a year”.

The therapist is angry that his theory isn’t working, and asks the man, “What
the heck are you so happy about?”

The man answers, “Tonight’s the night!”

Beer and Ice Cream DietAs we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. X 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized.Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6, 216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.Happy eating!

Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.

Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

Patient: Good grief! What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex therapists A stream of urologists

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion!”