Category: medical

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office
was full of portraits by Picasso.”

this lady walks in the dentist and said is this gonna hurt and the dentist said “no its just a screw.

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist’s office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears. ”Doctor, my memory’s gone. Gone! I can’t remember my wife’s name. Can’t remember my children’s names. Can’t remember what kind of car I drive. Can’t remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here.” ”Calm down. How long have you been like this?” ”Like what?”

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse?
What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

An old G.P. and his nurse were on the train, going to a Medical Conference.
Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow?

“I wonder what’s the matter with him?” asked the nurse.

“He’s a patient of mine and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers
badly from hemorrhoids,” replied the G.P.

“Well, why he’s scratching his elbow?” asked the puzzled nurse.

“Oh, he’s a politician, and he doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.”

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him
she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money
and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
”But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied,
”Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of
expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office
and explained, ”Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today
from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, ”Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor
with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ”Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”’

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill!

16> Your gynecologist begins every exam with a hearty “Open sesame!”

15> His diploma states that he holds a “Doctor of Love” degree from Beaver State University.

14> He decides to share his “lubrication is for wussies” theory just before your prostate exam begins.

13> Closer inspection of his diploma reveals the “As Seen on TV” logo and Sally Struthers’s signature.

12> His office is his ’75 Nova and he invites you to the back seat for some medical marijuana.

11> He insists that the most important parts of a pelvic exam are “looking and tasting.”

10> Colin Powell authenticates his diploma by reviewing it on a large projector screen, pointing out conclusive evidence of its authenticity.

9> Prostate exams should not include shots of tequila “to loosen you up a bit.”

8> As you remove your shirt at his request, your dermatologist screams, “Yuck!! Is that a mole?!?”

7> He has a copy of “Dre’s Anatomy” on his shelf.

6> Concerning your 103-degree fever and hacking cough, Dr. al-Sahhaf says, “The infidel viral dogs have never entered your gates. The sounds you hear are the screams of them committing mass suicide at your sweat glands.”

5> He tells you it’s cheaper to make your own colostomy bag with Ziploc bags and duct tape.

4> After giving you a rectal exam, he insists on lying next to you on the exam table and whispering the results in your ear.

3> When you tell him you think you have a staph infection, he says, “Hell, bring ’em all in — I could use the extra business.”

2> Asks if you’ve considered “putting Grandpa down.”

1> Spends all 13 hours of labor shouting “Can you hear me now?” between your wife’s legs.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.
Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the
bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note
into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and
immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something
he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”

“Nine…”
“Eight…”
“Seven…”

You’re so ugly that when you were born, the doctor looked at your mom and
said, ”This is going to cost extra if I have to touch its ass.”

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, “Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer.”

The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, “Darnit! Some asshole has my pen.”