Category: medical

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Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommy’s swallowed the can-opener!

Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast’s getting cold!

There was a woman who didn’t think that her husband was
performing very good, so she went to the doctor’s office to get
him some Viagra to help him out.

The first night she gave one and he was pretty good. So the next
night she gave him two. This time it was a whole lot better. So,
finally the third night, she gave him three to see how it could
be.

The next day their son was on the phone talking to his friend.
He said, “Something really weird is going on around here.” His
friend replied, “What do you mean?” He answered, “My mom is
dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt is really sore, and my dad
is walking around with his pants down to his ankles saying ‘here
kitty, kitty!'”

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor
there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he
made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed
to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the
older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and
the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
“I’ve been a little sick to my stomach,” she replied.
“Well,” said the older physician, “you’ve probably been over doing it a bit
with the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you
eat and see if that helps.”
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had
reached his diagnosis so quickly.
“You didn’t even examine that woman,” the younger doctor stated.
“I didn’t have to,” the elder physician explain. “You noticed I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked
around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably
what has been making her ill.”
“That’s pretty sneaky,” commented the younger doctor. “Do you mind if I try it
at the next house?”
“I don’t suppose it could hurt anything,” the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent
several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church
bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had
been feeling lately.
“I’ve felt terribly run down lately,” the widow replied. “I just don’t have as
much energy as I used to.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor
suggested without even examining his patient.
“Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder physician said, “Your diagnosis is probably right, but
do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?”
“Sure,” replied the younger doctor. “Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope
on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the
preacher hiding under the bed!”

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it
disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a
divorce.
Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed
last night.
Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

This is true story from the newspaper The Cape Times (South Africa):
“For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning” a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.

“There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues.” “However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths…

“It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient’s life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher”.

“We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed.” (Cape Times)

The headline of the newspaper story was, “Cleaner Polishes Off Patients”

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles.

One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they’re looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It’s important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas.

Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn’t live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions.

First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight they’d live longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just not enough people to study who’ve lost weight permanently. [95% of those who lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than staying overweight. -ed]

Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer.

Let’s list some benefits of obesity:

Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life and you’ll find the list isn’t very long. The one pleasure that’s life-long and never pales is eating.

Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I don’t), surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you.

Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. I’ve seen an average of 20 patients a day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives aren’t relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.]

Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were better survived by those with a reserve of calories.

Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times.

Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G.K. Chesterston referred to as the “promise of pneumatic bliss.”

Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people.
Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earth’s resources. So why didn’t this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can standneither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter.

Think about it.

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her
everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and
realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ”sleeping”.
She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told
the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ”Your
dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was
a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back
in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said
again, ”Your dog is dead”.

She was like ”Ok, how much do I owe you?”

The doctor said ”$300”

She said, ”What!?!? How could it cost that much??”

He said ”$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan”

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around the London Memorial Hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where you could see a man masturbating wildly through the window.

Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

“Ah,” said the doctor. “It is unfortunate that you had to witness that, but the poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day, his testicles will explode.”

“Oh,” said her Majesty. “Well, in that case I suppose it’s understandable that he must do that.”

A little further on down the corridor, they passed another room. The door was open and through it you could see a very pretty nurse who was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

“Goodness gracious!” shrieked Her Majesty. “I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid behavior.”

“Ah,” said the Doctor. “Same problem, but he has a better health plan.”

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead
on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered
to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes,
she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive
ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she
finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled
the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse
came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene
behavior. “What’s the harm?” shot back the first nurse. “I
enjoyed it, and HE surely didn’t mind it. Besides, he can’t
complain and I can’t get pregnant. Why don’t you give it a try
too?”

“Oh, I can’t possibly,” said the second nurse, blushing. “First,
he’s dead and second, I’ve got my period. Anyway, listen, the
doctor is looking for you.” And so the first nurse left.

The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly
excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of
it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel
the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting
to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, “I thought you were dead!”
“Lady, I thought I was too,” said the man, “until you gave me
that blood transfusion.”

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, – “Damn, some asshole has my pen!”

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can
do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by
inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tell him to bend over
and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in
six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, put one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other
shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, “Arrgghhhh!”
“What’s the matter?” asked the wife, “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he
had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”