Category: medical

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.

Seeing this the dentist said, “Please don’t, you don’t need to pay me now”.

The patient answered: “Pay you! I just want to count my money before I’m unconscious!”

“Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!”
“What’s come over you?”
“2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pack of cards!”
“I’ll deal with you later.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a needle!”
“I see your point.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pair of curtains!”
“Pull yourself togerther man!”

“Doctor Doctor – I have 59 seconds to live!”
“Wait a minute will ya!

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a
stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in
Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

“No, not worth it!”

“OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?”

“No, not worth it!”

“OK, 20?”

“No, not worth it!”

“How about 10?”

“No, not worth it!”

“Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are
not worth it?”

“Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wifes not worth it!

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for
his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell
me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that’s exactly the chance
of me telling you my age.

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they
got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that
he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”

Jon said, “I’d be half blind.”

“That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?”

“I’d be completely blind.”

The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the
exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave
him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What
would happen if I cut off one ear?”

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be
half blind.”

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other
ear?”

“I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered.

“Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?”

“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”

Subject: The CureA woman visited her new ‘Managed Care’ doctor at a Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.The second doctor went back to the first and said, ‘What’s is the matter with you ? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children & seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?’The new doctor simply smiled and said: ‘Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it ?’

A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each
other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at
the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and
wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she
gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.
She confirms and asks how he knew.
“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”
She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”
Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”
Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”

For Years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever sqeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And I protected them by law.
I gruaded them very carefully,
And I always wore a bra.
after 30 years of absolute care,
My gyno, Dr, Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,.
“O.K.”, I said, “let’s do it.”
“Stand up here real close” she said,
“And tell me when it hurts”, she said,
“Ah yes! Right there, that’s fine.”
She stepped on a pedal,
I couldn’t believe my eyes,
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter’s in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being sqashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
with in it’s vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
“Take a deep breath”, she said to me,
Who does she think she’s kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
“There, that’s good”, I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
“Now, let’s have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.
It sqeezed me from both up and down.
It sqeezed me from both sides.
I’ll bet SHE’S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindforls.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a Cyst. in there,
It would have gone “Ker-Pow!”
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I’d like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!

A lesbian goes to the doctor for an examination. Upon inspection of her private parts, the doctor says “Miss Jones, you have the cleanest vagina I have ever seen!” The woman replies “I should hope so – I have a woman in twice a week!”

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into
labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,
“Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Double mint Chewing Gum
Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced
that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M
Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of
fresh air.”
The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal.””Could you give me a pen and paper?” said the businessman.”Do you want to write your will?””No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite.”