Category: medical

One day a woman walks in the doctor office. she said she was depressed because she hasnt been dating for a while. So the doctor recommended a chinese sex expert named Dr.Wang. So she went there so he said get naked and get on your hands and knees and crawl towards da wall and back. And he says you have a bad case of EDZACHARY disease. The woman stands up in confusion and asked what is that. The Dr. says where your face rooks EDZACHARY rike your ass!

Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and I to
stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call at the end of the
day. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes, and unknown to me
the floor was wet. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the
manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had
called 911. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked,
“What was that?” – “My pager,” I said. “I am 911.”

Q: What’s the differecne between a proctologist and a bartender?
A: A proctologist looks at the assholes one at a time

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many
months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the
doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the
hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had
seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the
husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in
her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and
announced that she was dead!
“How did that happen?” asked the doctor.
“I think she choked to death,” said the husband.

An old man gets sent to a retirement home by his son. The next
day he wakes up with a boner and the most beautiful nurse walks
in and gives him a blow-job, Doesn’t say a word just blows him.
The old man calls his son and starts thanking him “Thank you son
this is the best; thank you so much” the son says “that’s great
dad what happened” the old man replies “well I woke up with a
boner this morning and the most beautiful nurse came in and blew
me, Didn’t say a word just blew me” “wow! sounds great dad have
fun” replies the son.

Later that day the old mans walking down the hall when he falls
and can’t get up. Then some big hillbilly comes up fucks him in
the ass and leaves him laying on the floor. The old man finally
manages to get to his room and call his son “son you gotta get
me out of this place, it’s horrible” “Wooo! dad what’s so wrong
you got a blow-job this morning it can’t be to bad”. “well I was
walking down the hall today” replies the old man “when a big
hillbilly comes up to me laying on the floor and fucks me up the
ass and just leaves me laying on the floor”.

“Well it can’t be to bad dad you got a blow-job this morning!”
says the son. The old man replies “you don’t understand I wake
up with a boner once a month I fall three-four times a day!”

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worry
about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the
dock.”

The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?”

The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”

The following are excerpts from various American Medical Journals. Prepare yourself, they are pretty amazing and sick (But all are true) You have been warned!!!!! ———————————–FEMALE SOFA: A 500-pound woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. OUCH! ———————————-A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied restaurant towels. The man had his arms around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her mouth to clamp down on the man’s member and wrenched it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. ——————————–SEX EDUCATION: A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains sked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied, “I’m not. I just lie there.” When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, “No, who?” ——————————–BLIND DRUNK: A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. ——————————–GROWING SEASON: An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out. ——————————-PRICKLY PAIR: In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her vagina” and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. ——————————-LAST STAND: A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was aving so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, ll the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain killers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last. ——————————-CALL THE BUM SQUAD! A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man’s anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man’s anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed. ———————————-INNER SKELETON: A 63-year-old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had ecome lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

Frequently I am asked by my readers to explain the mysteries of child birth. Well okay, that’s actually completely untrue, but since we’re on the subject I want to tell you about Lamaze class.Lamaze is a breathing technique whereby women feel no pain while having an object the size of a small watermelon claw its way out of their bodies. Yes, this is utterly ridiculous, but Lamaze class has apparently become a prerequisite to giving birth: in fact, a woman in East Jordan, Michigan was recently discovered by authorities to have given birth to a baby without having first attended Lamaze, and the courts actually made her put it back.Although pregnancy has been around for at least 100 years, most men don’t understand anything about it. It was news to me that pregnancy takes place in three trimesters (Trimester comes from the phrase, ‘Don’t you even TRY, MISTER,’ uttered by women when men suggest that maybe they can’t make it to Lamaze class one night.) The three trimesters are: Vomiting, Weight Gain, and Crying.The men at Lamaze class are there mainly as punishment for having caused their mates to swell up to the size of Marlin Brando. I mean, realistically, how can we help someone else BREATHE? (More to the point, I can testify truthfully that a woman in labor who is urged to ‘breathe, honey, breathe’ will respond in a tone for which ‘pleasant’ is an antonym.)The punishment begins with the first lesson, where everybody sits there and is supposed to be quiet while they watch a film of somebody else’s baby being born. This is where you learn you shouldn’t have eaten before Lamaze class, even if your wife simply HAD to have a Pizza Hut Supreme with Double Cheese or she would pass out from hunger. You give the other guys a ‘can you believe this?’ look, doing your Lamaze breathing so you won’t blow pizza. By the end of the movie they ought to usher in a urologist to perform vasectomies; they’d make a couple of grand right on the spot. The final frame depicts everyone standing around looking happy, except maybe the baby, who frankly appears more than a little pissed off at how his morning’s going.The night I went, the movie was a horror double feature, with Night of the Living Cesarean Section immediately following Birth of the Pizza Baby.After the movie there is a short break so the men can get together and vow that the only way they’re going to make it through this is if they’re drunk. Then the group is reassembled to practice breathing, even though we’ve been breathing all our lives and probably don’t need any more practice. What did pregnant women do before this Lamaze guy came along, hold their breaths for nine months? And why do I have to practice? Heck, I’m so good at breathing I can even do it in my sleep! During all this panting and gasping, the men are told to squeeze their mates’ thighs to ‘simulate labor.’Squeeze her leg to simulate labor! That’s like simulating a concussion by getting a haircut. If you want to simulate labor, you should run her lips through a pencil sharpener. But you don’t know this, so you dutifully squeeze while she dutifully breathes. Men who make note of the fact that pregnancy has caused the thighs they are squeezing to maybe require two hands instead of one will be violently torn into small pieces by a bunch of crazed Lamaze women, and no female jury in the world would find anything in this other than justice.In Lamaze I learned there are several different stages of labor. In none of them do you want your wife to have access to sharp objects. By about the third stage you both know that this breathing thing is a bunch of baloney–labor, it seems, HURTS, and you can pant like a race horse after the Kentucky Derby, but it won’t alter the sensation of having a whole human being clamber out of your stomach and into the world.Often a man will run into a fellow Lamaze class husband at the hospital. It’s a brief encounter, usually during a fast break to the men’s room between contractions. The wild look they exchange says it all: this is nothing like what they expected.And after that, nothing ever is.

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he’s registered, St. Peter says to him, “Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don’t you get yourself something to eat?”

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. “I’m a doctor” he says, “I’m a busy man, I don’t have time to wait in line.”

The others say, “You’re in heaven now, we’re all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!”

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. “Hey,” he says to the guy in front of him, “Who does that guy think he is?”

“Oh, that’s God,” says the guy, “He likes to play doctor!”

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful
emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out
a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who
they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese
samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate
why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little
fly.

WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The
emperor says, “That is very impressive!”

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai
opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4
pieces! The emperor says, “That is really impressive!”

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai
thinks, “If it works for the other two…” So the Jewish samurai
walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room,
but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, “Why is the fly not dead?”
And the Jewish samurai replies, “If you look closely, you’ll see
that the fly has been circumcised.”

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.

An old lady who has a heart condition goes into her husbands
doctor and says, “My husband isn’t performing well in bed
anymore, can i get the viagra pill.”
“Sure,” the doctor says,”Just have him take one of the pills one
hour befre you will do it. Oh yeah, come back in a week and tell
me how it goes and if it works.”
So the lady goes home and then comes back five days later and
says, “Wow, that is pretty good, is it possible for him to take
2 pills?”
“Sure, but come back in 5 days so i can see how it works,” the
doctor explained.

SO the lady came back 3 days later and she is really exited and
exuberant, and proceeds to say, “That’s really great, Is it
alright if he trys 3 pills?”
“Sure, but come back in 3 days,” the doctor told her sternly.

The old lady came back 3 days later and exclaimed, “Oh my god,
thats amazing, can he try half the bottle?” But the doctor said
no and was really hesitent. Butthe lady begged and begged untill
the doctor gave in, but warned her to come back tomorow so he
could see if every thing was alright.

The next day the old lady’s son came in and was hystarycal and
was crying, and screamed, “MY MOM’S DEAD, MY SISTER’S PREGNANT,
MY ASS HURTS, AND MY DADS LOCKED IN THE CAR SAYING, ‘HERE KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY!'”