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As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists.
Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses’ station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother “Bananas?”
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but the light bulb must want to change!
There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been real good
friends for a long time. Well one day the deacon got sick and was put in the
hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked
into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had
going into the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and
asked, ”How ya doing?” The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand.
”You want that?” the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes.
So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write.
All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to
deliver the service. ”He was a good man and I’ll never forget him,” the
preacher said, ”I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his
last thought in my coat pocket here.” The preacher reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the paper. ”Please, get up! You’re kneeling on my oxygen hose!”
Doctor, doctor everyone thinks I’m a liar.”Come now. I don’t believe that.”Doctor, doctor People keep disagreeing with meNo they don’t.Doctor, doctor People keep ignoring meNext please.Doctor, doctor I think I’m a pair of curtainsPull yourself together.Doctor, doctor I think I’m a cricket ballHows that.Doctor doctor I think I’m a billiard ballGet to the end of the queue.Doctor doctor I cant feel my legsThat’s because we’ve cut your arms off.Doctor doctor I think I need glassesThis is the post office.Doctor doctor I think everyone hates meFuck off you irritating git.
The mental hospital,
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.One day
while they were walking past the swimming pool,jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end of the pool.He sunk to the bottom &
stayed there.Mary promptly jumped in to save him.She swam to the
bottom and pulled jim out.When the medical director became aware
of Mary’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital,as he now considered her to be mentally
stable.When he went to tell mary the news he said,”Mary,i have
good news & badnews. The good news is you’re being discharged
because you were able to jump in and save the life of another
patient,i think you’ve regained your senses.”The bad news
is,jim,the patient you saved,hung himself with his bathrobe belt
in the bathroom.Iam so sorry,but he’s dead.”
Mary replied”he didn’t hang himself,i put him to dry.
Q: What’s the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
*The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
An then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman’s pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The
man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?” and the man replies,
“No, just spots.”
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription
exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife had a different
opinion: “Oh, $40 a year isn’t too bad.”
The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard
drive.
If you’re depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a
professional. If that doesn’t work, see a doctor!
Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland: a one-hour wait for
a 2-minute ride.
Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: “I’ve been using this
stuff for a week and NOTHING! It’s the worst suppository I’ve
ever used.”
Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may
cause them to spin around and point north.
A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking
for two ‘hardened criminals’. They expect a stiff penalty under
the penal code.
There is an unconfirmed report that a man who overdosed on
Viagra caused the funeral home problems: they couldn’t close his
coffin lid for 3 days.
A boy was getting a checkup while his mother was in the waiting
room. Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse
asked, “What is your mother’s name?” The boy said “Mommy.” The
nurse said, “Well, what does your daddy call her?” The boy said
“Tammy.” The nurse wrote this down.
She did the smae thing, only with the father as the subject, and
got the same reply, “Daddy.” As a last resort, she remarked,
once again, “What does your mommy call him?” The boy looked up
at her with big innocent eyes and said, “Asshole.”
an extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of
which had left his system extremely upset. upon making several false-alarm trips
to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. unfortunately
for him, this wasn’t a false alarm and he soiled his bed linens terribly. he was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. losing his presence of mind,
he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window.
a drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. he started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in
a tangled pile at his feet.
as the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “what
the hell was that all about?”
still staring down, the drunk replied: “i think i just beat the s*** out of a
ghost!”