Category: medical

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
”You are fine, how am I?”

A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The rash continues to get worse
and worse, so the man decides to see a doctor. He goes in to the clinic where
the staff runs a battery of tests. After several minutes, the doctor comes back
in the room and says, �Sir, I’ve got good news and bad news. What would you like
first?�
�Well,� says the man, �I can take it. Give me the bad news first.�
�The rash you have is going to get worse. It will travel throughout your body,
eventually even making it to your internal organs. It is a terminal disease, and
my guess is you have 30 days to live.�
�My God!� says the patient. �What’s the good news?!�
�Well,� says the doctor, �Did you see that beautiful receptionist, the one
with the big boobs and the nice butt? I’m dating her!�

Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.
Artery…………….The study of paintings.
Bacteria…………..Back door to cafeteria.
Barium…………….What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan……………Searching for kitty.
Cauterize………….Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………..A sheep dog.
Coma………………A punctuation mark.
D & C……………..Where Washington is.
Dilate…………….To live long.
Enema……………..Not a friend.
Fester…………….Quicker than someone else.
Fibula…………….A small lie.
Genital……………Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series………..World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail…………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent…………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain…………Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff………A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid…………….A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates…………..Cheaper than day rates.
Node………………Was aware of
Outpatient…. …….A person who has fainted.
Pap smear….. …….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis…………….Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative……..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room………Place to do upholstery.
Rectum…………….Darn near killed him.
Secretion………….Hiding something.
Seizure……………Roman emperor.
Tablet…………….A small table.
Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor……………..More than one.
Urine……………..Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose…………..Near by/close by.
Vein………………Conceited.

After having their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough(they could not afford a larger double wide).

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Kentucky), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.” So, the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion.

The Ohio physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . “, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand….

A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”

The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her
hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she
doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until
she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really
is.”

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey,
what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times,
until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked
to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

“Doctor,” she replied shyly, “I just can’t undress in front of
you.”

“All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You
undress and tell me when you’re through.”

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, “Doctor,
I’ve undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?”

“Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he’s
been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex
four times. After it’s over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn’t had sex in
four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
“How’s the food there?” asks the hooker. “Because I’m going in there
tomorrow!”

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office.
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man replied, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.”

Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men
living there?
It’s to keep them from rolling out of bed.

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but it takes five sessions.

“Doc,” said the young man lying down on the couch, “You’ve got to help me!
Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when all of a
sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.”
The psychiatrist nodded, “And what do you do?”
“I push them away!”
“I see. And what can I do to help you with this?”
The patient implored, “Please–break my arms!”

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. “Here”, she said. “This came in the mail today”.

The doctor took the postcard and it read… SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!