Category: medical

A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?””No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.””Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.”No, I’ve never done any of those things either.””Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. “Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

“You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000. Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500 Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

Conclusion – Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!

A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their
most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners.

I was due later that week for an appointment with the
gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his
office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am.
I has just packed everyone off to work and school and it was
around 8:45 already. The trip usually took about 35 minutes so I
didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I’m sure, I
like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full
effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth and gave myself a wash in “that area” in front of
the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in
the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure all women do, I hopped up on
the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles
away from here. I was surprised when he said: “My…we have
taken a little extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” but I
didn’t respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some
shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready
for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom,
“Mom, where’s my washcloth?”

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She
called back, “No, I need that one that was here by the sink. It
had all my glitter and sparkles in it.”

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?” The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Mrs Holly Finkel in room 302.”

The Operator replied, “Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The Grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?”

The Grandmother said, “No, I’m Holly Finkel in 302. Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me shit.”

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day.

The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.

“I don’t understand,” he marveled, “how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and un bothered when it’s over.”

The older analyst said simply, “Who listens?”

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about
some of the side effects she was experiencing.
”Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m
afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that
I’ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her, ”A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
”On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,”
replied the lady.

two crazy people were walking through a park. What path did
they take?

the phsychopath

1: NO! That doesn’t go there!

2: NURSE : Are you new here?
SURGEON: No, but I did stay at a holiday INN express last
night.

3: Damn. Where did I drop that scalpel?

4: Who’s making a potato?

5: Was that not supposed to be cut?

6: We have to zap this, QUICK!

7: HEY! His liver is NOT a toy!

8: Oh shit.

9: Did he sign the donor card? No. Get the bag.

10: Uh oh. Where did my crystal glass piece go?