Category: medical

A man and a woman from Alabama don’t want any more children because they
already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, “What
state are you from?
The man says “Alabama.” The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb
in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn’t so
sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the
exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the
doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count.
”1…2…3…4…5…” The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his
legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ”6…7…8…9…”

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades — he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data — his pictures, his charts, his graphs — to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he’d been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone’s shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist’s parentage, his sister, his mother….

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

What do you call the nurse with dirty knees?

Head nurse

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc, it isn’t all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to miss the 4 o’clock ball game!

A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and
she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed this and
while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the
woman so she wouldn’t feel so nervous.

He asked, “Do you know how they make these gloves?” The woman
shook her head. The doctor explained, “In a big rubber factory
they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes
and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted
rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it
again.” The woman didn’t even blink she seemed to be too busy
trying not the panic.

So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn’t
even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.

In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out
laughing and he had to stop in case she’d choke. He asked,
“What’s wrong?” She just laughed and said, “If that’s how they
make gloves I wonder how they make condoms.”

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a
year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation,he
asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
“What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup.” said the Pastor.
“Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an
old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”
“Will this help me live longer?”
“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like
forever.”

How good is YOUR insurance?HEALTH PLAN A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop.The intern asks the doctor he is with why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.The doctor says: ‘Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up SO quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.”Oh, I see’ says the intern. They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.Again, he asks the doctor ‘What is up with THAT?’ The doctor says: ‘Same condition,better medical plan.’

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

After hearing that one of the patients in the mental hosptal had
just saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of
the bathtub. Dr. Brown, the director of the hospital, reviewed
the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. “Mr. James,
your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you are
ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later
killed himself with a rope around the neck.” “Oh, he didn’t kill
himself,” Mr. James replied, “I hung him up to dry.”

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a
doctor!”
The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

Why’d the man take Viagra eyedrops?
Because he wanted to look hard!

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don’t touch a drop.

Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don’t smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don’t do drugs.

Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven’t touched a woman in my life.

Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!