Category: medical

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her husband can’t get it up
like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks, “Have you
heard of a new drug named Zyban?” The lady says yes, but adds that her husband
refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainly won’t take anything that “will
make him feel like less of a man.” The doctor advises the woman to slip it into
his morning coffee when he isn’t looking. The woman is nervous, but the doctor
insists, “it will change your life within a day,” so she figures she’d better
try it.
A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the doctor’s office and the
doctor asks her how it went. The lady heaves a tremendous sigh and explains, “I
snuck it into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15 minutes, he
cleared off the table, threw me on it and we had the best sex we’d had in 20
years.” Perplexed, the doctor asks, “What’s wrong with that?” And the lady
shakes her head and says, “I don’t think I�ll be able to show my face at
McDonalds again.”

Doctor: Have you ever had this before?Patient: Yes.Doctor: Well, you’ve got it again!

This blonde goes to the doctor complaining of headaches.
Noticing she hasn’t taken off her headphones at all during the
exam, he suggests they may be the cause of her headaches. He
tells her to take them off. “Oh, no. I just couldn’t,” she says,
“without them, I’d surely die.” “Oh, come now,” the doctor says,
“let me help you.” And he pulls them off her head. Sure enough,
moments later, she is dead on the floor. Curious, he picks up
the headphones and hears, “Breathe in…breathe out…breathe
in…breathe out…”

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, “How long since you have been bedridden?” After a look of complete
confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years . . . when my husband
was still alive.”

A doctor comes out to a man who’s been waiting over an hour to
hear his check-up results and say to the man, “I’ve got some
good news and some bad news for you sir !” The man hesitated a
little and asked for the bad news first, The doctor repled, “I’m
afraid you only have two weeks to live!”

The man cried out, “What! Oh my God! What could possibly be good
news after that?” The doctor looked at him and smiled saying,
“The good news is that you have alzheimers disease too, so
you’ll probably forget in the morning!”

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
“Why are you crying?” he asks.
“I’ve never been hugged,” she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues
crying.
“Why are you crying?” he asks.
“I’ve never been kissed,” she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues
crying.
“Why are you crying?” he asks.
“I’ve never been screwed,” she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into
the water.
“There,” he says. “Now you’re screwed.”

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said “Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.”

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, “I haven’t won any prizes, but I’ve started free clinics and helped those in need for free.” St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, “I’m responsible for all the HMO’s across the United States.”

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, “OK… I’ll let you in, but only for three days!”

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn’t
come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ”Big chief, no
fart.”
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to
tell him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ”If this doesn’t work
then nothing will.”
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, ”Well, did it work?”
The messenger boy says, ”Big fart, no chief!”

Doctors have decide to give Viagra a more medical sounding name.

They’re calling it Mycoxaphloppin.

A guy goes to the drug store and asked for 99 condoms. The guy at the counter said, “Fuck me, that’s a lot of condoms!”

The guy buying them said, “In that case, better make it 100.”

One day a pregnant lady that was expecting triplets was walking through a gangster neighborhood, and was shot three times. When she went to the emergency room, the doctor said that she would live, but that the kids might experience complications as they got older.

Ten years later, the first kid came running down the stairs and said, “Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!”

A day or so later, the second kid came running down the stairs and said, “Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!”

The third kid come down the stairs and said, “Mommy Mommy! Guess what?”

She said, “Let me guess… You pooped a bullet?”

He said, “No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog.”

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!”

“I’ve been circumcised.”

“What’s that mean?”

“It means they cut the skin off the end.”

“How old were you when it was cut off?”

“My mom said I was two days old.”

“Did it hurt?”

“You bet it hurt, I didn’t walk for a year!”