Category: medical

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.” The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day’s drive away!Q. What are pre-existing conditions?A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It’s best to wait until you return, and then get sick.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

A young man goes to the Doctor one morning and says “Doctor I got this problem”.
“What is your problem?” replies the doctor.

“Well I’ll show you” . . . he pulls down his pants and he has this great whacking hole in his bum . . .

How did you manage that?” asks the doctor . . . “Well let me explain . . . I went on holiday to Africa and this huge elephant bummed me.

Doctor says “hmmmm, but elephants only have little willies.”

The man replies, “I know …. but he fingered me first”

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a
great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all
about it.
“One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was
really neat.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit the
Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. That was really neat.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit Big Ben in
London.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did attend mass at the
Vatican.”
“Really? What happened?”
“Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his right
crutch, and he dropped his left crutch.”
“Cool. What happened then?”
“George fell on his ass. He’s a cripple, you know.”

Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said “keep tightly closed.”

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and
strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it was a tattoo reading, ”Keep off the grass.” After the prep and the
surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, ”Sorry, had
to mow the lawn.”

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?Doctor: A shoebox.

Poor Mildred was a 92 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She
decided she wuld just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to quickly get over it, she took
out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and then become a vegetable
and burden to someone else, she called her doctor’s office to
inquire as to exactly where the heart would be. “On a woman,”
the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left
breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was addmitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her left knee.

An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn.
The lady behind the counter asks him for identification. He went to get his
wallet out of his back pocket and realized he had left it at home. The lady told
him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were
grey she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day
went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the
social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she
could tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he
probably could have gotten disability too.

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits
patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and
asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time
asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a
hammer, at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the
surgeon and asks, ”Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”

“I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”

They came up with a machine that when a girl has a baby, they can transfer the pain from the girl to the father. So they tried it out. They transfered it to the father on one girl that was having a baby. They transfered 25% of it to the father, he did not feel anything. So they transfered 50% still he did not feel anything, then 75%, then 100%, still he did not feel anything. So he went home and he saw the milk man spilled milk all over.