Category: medical

A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked “Yes, Sir. May we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” he said.

“We do not use language like that here,” she said.

“Please go outside and come back in and say there’s something wrong with your ear or whatever.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t fucking piss out of it.” the man replied.

For years and years they told me,
be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
and protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
and I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
my doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
to look inside that bump.
“Stand up very close” she said.
As she got my boob in line,
“And tell me when it hurts” she said.
“Ah yes! There, that’s fine.

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
my boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
from way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it’s vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
my poor defenseless tit!

“Take a deep breath” she said to me,
who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
and woozy I am getting.

“There, that was good,” I heard her say
as the room was slowly swaying.
“Now, let’s have a go at the other one.”
Lord has mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I’ll bet she’s never had this done,
not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
it would have popped, “ker-pow!”

This machine was created by a man,
of this, I have no doubt.
I’d like to stick his balls in there,
and see how they come out!

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady
behind the desk handed him a jar and said, “Bring it back tomorrow, full.” He
says, “Okay, I’ll be back tomorrow then.”
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar.
She says, “Nothing’s in it.” The man responds, “Well, I went home and I tried
with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called
my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her
left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came
over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and
still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked srtunned and asked, “You asked your
neighbor over to help you!?” And he says, “Yeah, we couldn’t get the jar open.”

A man and woman hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered
in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his towels around his
waist and the woman had them around her head. They eventually
explained to the doctors that they had gone out that evening for
a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under
the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act,
she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man’s member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go!

*****

A Californian doctor examining a young woman for abdominal pains
asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she
had said she was not sexually active, the woman replied “I’m
not, I just lie there.” When asked if she knew who the father
was, with a puzzled look she replied, “No, who?”

*****

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his
penis. He complained that his wife had a “rat in her pussy” and
it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was
revealed that she had a surgigal needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only Saran Wrap. The guy asks
the doctor, ”What do you think is wrong with me?”
The doctor replied,� I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a “Lord Nelson.”

The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told “Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the doctor. “Who are you?”

Smiling coyly, the patient replied, “I’m Lady Nelson.”

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in
the hospital, she fell into a coma.
When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a
child, and asked, “Doc, what happened to my baby!”
The doctor replied, “Ma’am, you’ve had twins! You’re the proud mother of a
handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while
you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you.”
“Oh, no!” shrieked the woman. “Not my brother! He’s not really all together,
if you know what I mean!”
The doctor replied, “Well, ma’am, your brother named your daughter Denise.”
“Oh, that’s no so bad,” smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, “What’s
the boy’s name?”
The doctor grinned and said, “Denephew.”

A woman with shortness on breath who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged
into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an
asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed
a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to
find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least– during a pelvic exam a TV
remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became
known as “The Human Couch.”

An old man in a retirement home was very depressed. One of the
nurses asked him, “What’s the matter, Mr. Wilson?” “My penis
died,” he said. “What?” She asked. To which he again replied,
“My penis died!” The nurse didn’t think too much about it and
continued what she was doing.

The next day, she spotted the old man walking around with his
penis hanging out. “Stop that, Mr. Wilson.” She yelled, “You
can’t just walk around with your penis hanging out!” Mr. Wilson
says, “Do you remember yesterday I told you that my penis had
died? Well…today is the viewing!”

What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life – not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle – just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies, “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says, “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant replies, “Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market… Now he won’t dare cough!”

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen’s office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, “I can’t talk, please help me!” The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, “Put your penis on the table here.” Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris’ penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Then the doctor says, “Good, come again tomorrow and we’ll learn B!”