Category: medical

A group of doctors were at a convention in switzerland. the topic of
discussion was the new medical technology from their countries.
‘in my country,” a german doctor said, “medicine is so advanced, we can
perform heart surgery on a person on monday, and have him back to work in 2
weeks.”
“that’s nothing,” a japanese doctor said. “we can perform an appendectomy on a
person on tuesday, and have him back in work by saturday.”
“that’s nothing!” said an american doctor. “we can take an a****** from
arkansas; put him in the white house and half the country is out of work the
next day!”

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

“Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

“I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband!”

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn’t afford it so they had it on the same day. They also couldn’t afford to go on a honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the mother got up because she couldn’t sleep. When she went by her oldest daughter’s room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter’s room and she couldn’t hear anything. So the next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter. “Why were you screaming last night?” The daughter said “Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream.””That’s true.” She looked at her second daughter. “Why were you laughing last night?”The daughter said “Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.””That’s also true.” Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”The youngest daughter said “Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.”

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot
to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the
woman to push him started yelling “Put! Put! Put!� At this, the grandmother
started to cry and the baby�s father had to be restrained. What the doctor
should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!).
Instead, he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!�

The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, “Do you understand what I am doing?”

“Yes,” the patient answered.
“You’re checking for dermatological abrasions.
“Correct,” the doctor lied.

Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly.
Again, he inquired, “Do you understand what I am doing?”
“You’re feeling for cancerous lumps,” she ventured.

“Very astute,” the doctor complimented, getting more excited. He placed the woman’s feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.

“And do you understand what I am doing now?”
“All too well,” the patient shot back. “You’re contracting herpes!”

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.

“May I speak to the pharmacist?” he asks.
“Well,” she replies, “I am the pharmacist.”

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a “male problem.”

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.

He blushes and says, “Well, I really do need help, so I guess I’ll ask you… I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It’s been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?”

The woman looks thoughtful, and says, “Hold on, I’ll go in back and ask my sister.”

After a couple of minutes she returns and says, “We’ll give you half of the business and it’s profits, but that’s all we can give you for it…”

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one
said to the other, ”How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 72 years old, how do
you honestly feel?”
”Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I
just wet myself.”

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife.

Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband
drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told
him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little
too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three
blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to
the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued,
“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone
was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open
cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and
broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer…and believe me mister, as God
is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

This woman walked into a doctors office saying, “Doctor, doctor!
I have a problem!”

The doctor asked her, “Okay, what’s the matter?”

The woman blushed but then told him, “I have these green circles
on the insides of both my thighs and I don’t know what they are.”

“Okay, show them to me.”

The woman presented the problem area to the doctor.

After examining her for awhile he stepped back and rubbed his
chin. “Tell me, are you dating a gypsy?”

“Yes,” the woman asked, confused.

“Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.”

From time to time we get tips about companies that are on the verge of releasing some product that might make them a good buying opportunity. Nothing illegal… just “being neighborly”.

Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called Gingko Viagra II, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you?
I’d like to make a little change…”

A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes sir, may we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ‘ear’ or whatever.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ‘ear’,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied!