Category: medical

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The Third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”

Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?Nurse: No. Is it missing?

A badly constipated man went to the doctors. The doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.

When he got home, he took a suppository, swallowing it with a glass of water. Four hours passed. Nothing happened. But he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one, hoping he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days of taking the suppositories every four hours, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.

When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed, “What are you doing? Swallowing them?”

The man replied sarcastically, “No, I’m shoving them up my arse!!!”

A Mexican and a cowboy both entered a pharmacy one day and asked
the pharmacist if he had anything to make their dicks grow
bigger. The pharmacist said, “Yes, I have these pills. How many
would you like?”

The Mexican replied, “I will only take two because I don’t want
it to be too big to carry!”

The Cowboy then said, “Give me four-I want it big-REALLY BIG!”

So the pharmacist gave them the pills and asked them to return
in two weeks time to show him the results of the enlargement.

Two weeks later the Mexican arrived back in the shop and said,
“My rope is so long you have too walk really straight or it
falls out!”

A few seconds later the Cowboy entered with his huge cock in one
hand swinging it about and yelling, “Yee Haw!”

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. “Prostrate trouble,” said the first doctor.

“Oh no, not at all. That’s a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one”, said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. “Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors,” said one, “and if you’ll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?”

“Well”, said the man, “all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas.”

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

This old lady went to a doctor’s office and told him that she has bad gas, but
you can’t smell it or hear it. So the doctor gives her two pills and tells her
take them and come back tomorrow. She came back and said that you can’t hear the
gas but now you can smell it. Then the doctor says, “Good now we can work on
your hearing.”

Saw a patient from “another town” that had a car wreck and was brought to our
ED with a tib/fib fracture. She had been labeled as having “multiple allergy
syndromes”, and was being seen at an alternative medicine clinic in a
neighboring big city.
When told by the Orthopod that she was going to have to have her fracture
pinned, she wanted to know what type of metal he was going to use, as she was
allergic to many of them. He told her “titanium”. She refused to agree to the
procedure until she could rub some titanium against her skin to test for any
reaction. As the OR did not have any non-sterile pins/rods, the doc went out to
his car, opened the trunk, and brought back his Great Big Bertha titanium driver
for her to test herself with…..

A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.

“What does this have to do with my throat?”

“Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!”

A nurses’ aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient
exclaimed, “You’re not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!”

Two men worked on a farm, gutting rabbits to help fight the
plague that had infested the town. After making the cut and
scooping the guts out, they would then hurl them over their
should, over a near by hill. Before long, one of the men needed
to answer the call of nature, and went up over the hill to piss.
The other man, obliviouse to where the other was, blindly
through one of the guts too far behind him, landing directly on
the ground between the other mans legs. He didn’t think much of
it, so he continued gutting.

Half an hour or so later, the man gutting the rabbits pondered
to where the other had gone. Just as he thought this, the other
man came staggering over the hill, white as a ghost.

“What the hell happend to you?” he asked.

“You wouldn’t believe it, but I was busy pissin’ right, when I
must have strained to hard, because all my guts came out!”

The other looked at him strangley. “God, are you alright?”

To which he replied, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine now. With the help of
god and a wee stick, I managed to get them back in.”

Q: What’s the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?
A: The taste.