Category: medical

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You’ve Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
9. Keeps saying, “A spine is like a box of chocolates.”
8. Repeatly asks, “You a cop? You sure you ain’t a cop?”
7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by “Uh-oh”.
6. There’s a two drink minimum.
5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, “My turn!”
4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he’s covered with mud.
3. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.
2. Hints that for an extra $50, he’ll “straighten” something else.
1. You’re fully-clothed and he’s naked.

patient#1:i ate so many bags of crisps i was so powerfull.
doctor:were they called super crisps.
patient#1:no power full crisps
doctor:well your a very super patient
patient#1:listen its got nothing to do with that
doctor: well the only crisps invented are super crisps.
patient#1:i thought they were called powerfull crisps?
patient#2:will you hurry up in there im waiting
patient#1:im hungry i need a packet of crisps

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on
the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my
time up?” God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair
color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40
years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

One day a doctor walks in the hospital for the Mentaly Insane. As he walks in, he sees 2 guys in seperate beds by them selves. As he approched the first one, the guy starts to act like he is flying an airplane with a dazed look on his face. The doctor asks, Sir, what seems to be the trouble? The guy replies, Well Sir, i am back in the war fighting the Japs in my fighter plane! The Doctor replies,
Well Good Luck Son. The doctor looks across the room at the other gentelman lying in bed.
As the doctor approches, this guy starts to hump vigorously in bed by himself,…like he was having sex! The doctor asks, Sir What is the matter with you?
The guy replies, Well Sir,…While that feller over there is back in the war in his fighter plane fighting the Japs……I am at his house fucking his wife!

Rocky (2-27-2003)

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining
patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society. “So, Mr. Clark,”
the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been
recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re
released?” The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to
school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there.
But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here
in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested
in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college
and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.” Dr. Leroy nods
and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.” The patient
replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”

1. Sag, You’re it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

Conclusion – Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!

A man and his son are in a car accident and are rushed to the hospital. But
when he’s wheeled into the OR, the doctor looks at the boy and says “I can’t
operate on this boy! He’s my son!” Who’s the doctor?
His mother.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a
sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony
and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the
graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men
agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered
around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony
being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker
ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has
an explanation for the music.

“Don’t you get it?” the caretaker said. “He’s decomposing!”

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. . . you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I`ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

“Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Three. They’d also like to remove the socket as you aren’t using it now.

A patient says to his doctor, “Hey, Doc! I’ve been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can’t think straight! I need help!”.

Doctor says to patient, “You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!”

…next day…
patient says, “Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!”.
Doctor says, “Oh really? That’s good to hear!”.
“Oh by the way, “Patient says, “You’ve got a great house!”