Category: medical

An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor’s office and claims that he’s
tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a
radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won’t starve to
death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through
the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he’s sure to lose weight in the
process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he’s
down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and
asks him how he’s feeling, noticing that he’s bouncing up and down in his seat
quite energetically.
“I’m feeling great, doc; never felt better!” is the reply.
“In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?” asked the doctor.
“Just chewing some gum!”

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.

It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.

CURRENT PHRASE—REPLACEMENT PHRASE
NO FUCKING WAY —I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible
YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING —Really?
TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK—Have you run that by…….
NO BASTARD TOLD ME —I wasn’t involved in that.
I DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME —Perhaps I can stay and work on that.
WHO FUCKING CARES —Are you sure that’s a problem?
EAT SHIT & DIE —You don’t say.
EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHERFUCKER—You don’t say, sir.
KISS MY ASS—So, you’d like me to help you.
HE’S A FUCKING PRICK—He’s somewhat insensitive.
SHE’S A BALL BREAKING BITCH —She’s an agressive go getter.
YOU HAVE NOT GOT A FUCKING CLUE—You could use some more training.
THIS PLACE IS FUCKED—We’re a little disorganised today.
WHAT SORT OF FUCKWIT ARE YOU?—You’re new here, aren’t you?
FUCK OFF SHITHEAD—Well, there you go.
YOU’RE A FUCKING WANKER —You’re a senior member: I respect you.
HA! SUCK EGGS—I wasn’t there that night.
YOU’RE FUCKING PARANOID—So, you’re from Brisbane.
YOU’RE FUCKING USELESS—So, you’re from Melbourne.
FUCK OFF—I’ll look into it and get back to you.
FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD—We’ve got enough members thanks.
HOW DID YOU GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO WORK? —Well done!
YOU FUCKING LOSER—Gee, that was unfortunate.
LIKE FUCKING HELL—I don’t believe I have the required training to accomplish that.

A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Hey Doc, I know guys my age start to get hair growing in their nose and ears and stuff, but look at this.” Where upon he displays his penis which is covered with hair.

The doctor says, “Gee, never saw anything like that.”

“Am I in trouble?” asks the guy.

The doctor takes some samples and tells the guy to call him in a few days. When the guy calls the doctor tells him not to worry but advises him to, “Wash your hands better after you put the Rogaine on you head.”

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to
leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt
and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The
others agreed.
Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time
right now to hear each other out?” The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I
frequently seduce my female patients.”
The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to
cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I
want.”
The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get
my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not
supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret.”

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Guy: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s disease. Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

15> Oops! Looks like you got Travolta’s body, too.14> The old owner never trimmed his nose hairs. But look on the bright side: The comb-over covers your bald spot.13> Uninsured patients all get generic yellow smiley faces.12> Despite your magnificent body, your husband is repelled by your five o’clock shadow.11> Cutting-edge technology, the most advanced facilities and the most accomplished surgeons in the world — and when it’s over, you’ll *still* be an asshole.10> Looks like we’ll be stuck with some form of Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers for another few centuries.9> Catch a doctor on a bad day and suddenly all those buttface comments aren’t quite as funny, are they?8> The end of every Scooby Doo episode changes from suspenseful to nauseating.7> Yes, your monkeyface has been replaced, but some smartass surgeon gave you a gibbonface instead.6> That new face smell only lasts for a few months.5> If you happen to get one of Michael Jackson’s old ones, you could never teach third grade again.4> Saving face now requires dry ice and extra attic space.3> Local punks keep stealing the jar by Eleanor Rigby’s door.2> When you do a face-plant while riding your mountain bike, it’s embarrassing having to send a Secret Service agent back to pick it up.1> You wanted Mary Kate, but dammit, they gave you Ashley! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

A man and a woman meet in a hospital donation clinic.
The man says to the woman, “What are you here to give?”
She says, “I’m here to give blood. I get paid $5.”
The man says, “Oh, I’m here to donate sperm, I get paid $25!” A couple of
weeks later they meet again in the clinic.
The man says, “Hi there! Are you here to give blood again?”
The woman puffs her cheeks out and shakes her head.

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”

“My goodness!” the woman exclaimed, “sounds like leasing a new sports car!”

“Humm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient, “I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, “It’s swollen.”

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times…

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”

He replies, “Yes, Ii already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!”

Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, “How’s our bull doing?”

Frank says, “Our bull ain’t doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don’t want nothing to do with them.”

The banker says, “You better call the veterinarian.”

A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, “How’s our bull doing now?”

Frank says, “Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors’ cows.”

The banker says, “Wow! What did the Vet give him?”

Frank says, “He gave him some pills.”

The banker says, “What kind of pills?”

Frank says, “I don’t know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint.”

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.

The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe, and went to the
door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming
the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started
for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and
hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with
every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is
broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?