Category: medical

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his
imaginary car and asks,
“Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across
the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously
masturbating. Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”
The old lady says “Well tell me about them.”

The doctor says, “For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for.”

She responds, “Forget that one, what about the next one.”

He explains, “For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years.”

The lady says, “No, that’s no good either, what about the last one.”

The doctor replies, “For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw.”

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!”

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you’re going to have a mustache.”

A physician walked into an antique store, and began to look around. Suddenly,
he spied a large BRASS RAT in the corner. He fell in love with it, and so he
brought it up to the cashier.
“The rat, eh?” said the wizened old cashier.
“That’s right, how much,” replied the doctor.
“Well, five dollars for the rat–but 200 dollars for the story,” he answered
with a grin.
“I’ll just take the rat, without the story,” laughed the physician.
He left the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm.
Soon he began to hear a scurrying and squeaking noise behind him. When he
looked back, he noticed that a few rats were following him. After he had walked
a few more blocks, the number of rats behind him increased. This continued,
until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.
The physician panicked, ran to a pier overlooking the sea, and threw the rat
in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.
The physician ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling to
himself. “So now do you want the story?”
“No,” said the doctor, “but have you got any brass lawyers?

�Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
�Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
�You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
�You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the
nicest restaurants.
�You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
�You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
�You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it is
quiet around here.”
�You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care
Unit”.
�You have ever had a patient say, “But I’m not pregnant, I can’t be
pregnant. How can I be having a baby?”
�You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no
idea how that got stuck in there”.
�Your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an
emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, and years)?”

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie if I can just remember how they did
this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again…
Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he’s not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let’s hurry; I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist’s office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

“Doctor, my memory’s gone. Gone! I can’t remember my wife’s name.
Can’t remember my children’s names. Can’t remember what kind of car I drive.
Can’t remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!”

“Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?”

“Like what?”

OKay, this chick walks into a pharmacy. There’s a guy at the counter.
The chick says, “Doctor! I need your help!”

He says “What do you need?”

She takes off her shirt and she’s got this big ‘O’ on her chest. She says, “How do I get rid of this?”

The doctor said, “how’d it happen?”

She goes, “Well, whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, he wears his Oklahoma University jacket!”

The doctor said “Just tell him to take it off.”

She said “OK.”

And then this other chick walks in with the same problem and goes,”Doctor! Help! I’ve got a big “F” on my chest!”

He was like, ‘Holy crap, another girl with the same problem?’ and he says, “Just tell him to take it off.”

And she said “OK.”

And then this third chick walks in with the same problem and says, “Doctor! Help! I’ve got a big “W” on my chest!”

The doctor was thinking, ‘What the hell! Same thing again!’ He says, “Lemme guess. Your boy friend goes to Wisconsin U and when he has sex with you he wears his jacket.”

And she says, “Well, not quite. My girlfriend goes to Michigan.”

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I’ll show you a
man who never played doctor when he was a kid!

What do the toes say when they meet?
“There is a fungus among us.”

Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
A: One prick and they’re done.

yek roz yek pesar doste samimie khodesho mibine mige pesare salam doste samime mige chera sot mizani vaghti harf mizani doste samimi mige boro doktor onam mire va badan mire doktor monshie mige pesar hala doktor miad dar hale inkam monshiam mach mikone kiss kiss va bade 10 min monshi mige boro pishe doktor va pesaram raft va doktor goft marzit chie darhale inkam doktoram bo bo pppppppp va akharesh doktor dava mide be pesare va badan pesare davaro mikhore va vai vai mige ssssssssssss kiss kiss kiss bo bo pppppppppppppp

Once there was this guy who was having trouble getting up for
sex, so he goes to his friend and tell him his problem to see if
he’s got anything that can help. His friend reaches into the
cupboard and hands him some ointment and tells him to rub it on.
So when the guy gets home he puts it on and then it starts to
get up, so he screws his wife. After that he calls his friend
and thanks him so he keeps taking them.

Three days later his friend calls him on the phone and tells him
he gave him the wrong tube. So the guy gets the tube and reads
it, it said, “Mole Remover: Apply three days, the mole gets hard
and then falls off.”