Category: medical

Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Vermouth, and
sat down to explain his problem.
“Well, you see, I’ve got this problem,” the man began, “I keep hallucinating
that I’m a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It’s crazy. I don’t
know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Come over here and lie
down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor. I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
“Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy –
Either way, you get your dog back!”

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. “What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor’s office.

She explained, “The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”

She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor.

He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”

“Breast fed.” she says.

“Well, strip down to your waist.” he orders.

She does.

He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, “No wonder this baby is hungry, you don’t have any milk.”

“Naturally,” she says, “I’m his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in today.”

Doctor in town says he doesn’t believe in unnecessary surgery–he won’t operate unless he really needs the money.

Grandpa and Grandma were spending a few weeks to visit with
their son and his family. One night, Grandpa found a bottle of
Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet. He asked him about taking
one of the pills.

“Dad,” his son replied, “I really don’t think you should take
one. They’re very strong and besides that, they’re very
expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa.

“$10 a pill,” was the answer.

“That ain’t bad,” responded Grandpa. “I’d like to try one. All I
have are $50 bills, so I’ll go break one and leave the money
under your pillow.”

The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. So as soon
as he could, he spoke to Grandpa privately. “Dad, you gave me
$110 but I told you the pill only cost $10.”

“I know that, son,” Grandpa replied. “The extra hundred is from
Grandma.”

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare.

A guy goes to the doctor and says ” Doc my pecker has turned orange.”The doctor takes a look and says “I’ve never seen anything like this before. We’ll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work a chemical plant?”The guy answers “No. As a matter of fact I’ve been out of work for a couple of months now, and I’ve just been sitting around the house watching pornos and eating cheetos.”

Doctor: Take one of these everyday for the rest of your life.

Patient: But there is only seven pills in the bottle!

Doctor: I know.

One day in the summer a man was sitting on a nude beach
sunning himself and this little girl walks up to him and asks
him mister whats that. He answers thats my woodpecker
sitting in its nest, while she was walking away she mummbles I
don’t like birds… About ten minutes later the man desides to
take a nap… When he wakes up he’s in the hospital with a
large pain in his lower body the nerse brings in the little girl
from before… She says Mister I’m sorry I killed your bird I
snaped its neck cracked its eggs and set the nest on fire….

John had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: “John, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go……”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “John. You’re a vet….”