Category: medical

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could tell that you
were tense, so I thought I’d massage your back”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.Doctor: Tell me about your problem.Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand
for?

Mentally deficient.

This old lady walks into the Doctor’s office and says,
“Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with
farting. It’s not really a social problem, because you can’t smell it or hear
it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.” The Doctor nods his
head and says, “Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all
gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.” The old lady comes back 2 weeks
later and is angry. She says “What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You
still can’t hear them, but now they smell horrible!” The Doctor again nods his
head and says, “Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let’s work on
your hearing.”

A lady says to her doctor, “My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don’t smell anything.”

The doctor examines her, and then says, “You need an operation.”
She asks, “On my vagina?”

He says, “No. On your nose!”

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town’s fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to, “Hysterias and Posteriors.”This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go, so they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again, so they tried “Manic- depressives and Anal-retentive.” Still not good, so they tried “Minds and Behinds.” Unacceptable again, so they tried “Lost Souls and Assholes.” Still no go. Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks” or “Loons and Moons” work either.They finally settled on…”Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends.”

Here’s one from the Emergency nurses association:
Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss
says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I
accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other
ear?”
He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all
the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone
inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting,
“Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows:
“Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!”

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a problem with
my balls but I’m a little ashamed of it.” “Don’t worry, I’m here
to help you. What’s the problem?” The doc replies.

“One of my balls is much much bigger then the other one.” “Ok,
show them to me.” “No, no! everyone laughs at it, and I’m sure
you’ll laugh too, and that pisses me off!” “Look, I’m a doctor,
don’t doubt about my professionality. please show them to me!”
“Ok…”

So he lowers his pants and gets this horribly huge ball, holding
it with both his hands, and panting for the weight tries to put
it on the table. The doctor, seeing such an incredible scene,
bursts out in laughter. And the man, getting angry, says, “I
knew you would laugh! Now I won’t show you the big one!”

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?