Category: medical

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his
bed. and it rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve
found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called ‘G.A.S.H.’ It’s a
combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!”
“Oh, my gosh,” cried the man, “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me???” asked the man.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but….they’re the only foods we can get under
the door.”

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said…
“Well that’s great, just great… some asshole’s got my pen!”

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises “Chooo-Chooo… Whoooo-Whooooo…”

“What are you doing?” enquires the doctor. “I’m taking a train down to Barcelona,” replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

“And what are you doing?” asks the doctor, a little perplexed. “Well,” pants the man, “While he’s in Barcelona, I’m fucking his wife!”

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

“Doctor,” she said, “I have a very bad gas problem.”
“A gas problem?” replied the doctor.

“Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh…silent gas emissions.

Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!
Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test!”

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the
Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the
bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a
hammer?”
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The
doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out
and asked, “Do you have a chisel?” Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a
screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What
are you doing to my wife?”
“Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open.”

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop
3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again…
10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won’t miss him
15. And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

“Doctor, doctor! I need glasses!”
“You certainly do, ma’am. This is a barber shop.”

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he
died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized
that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’
Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just
before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m
sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen
tube!”

Picasso’s mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.

He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading “Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation”. Picasso figured that it couldn’t do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.

After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.

After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,”Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask”.

Mr. Picasso”, the doctor replied “I only ask my usual fee of $100.”

“Well then”, continued Picasso, “To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it.”

The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing.

On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye.

“Great”, the critics all exclaim. “This is one of Picasso’s greatest masterpieces”.

Picasso nudges the doctor and says “Well, Sam, what did I tell you?”

The doctor replies “Its a good thing I’m not a gynecologist!”

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

“Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.

“Right” says the doctor, “bend over and I’ll do the first one for you.” The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.

At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can’t stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband’s shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.

“My God” she cries. “What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?”

“No” replies the man. “But I have just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders.”