Category: medical

ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM —Author unknownFor years ‘n years they told me, be careful of your breastsDon’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.So I heeded all their warnings and protected them by lawGuarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.After 30 years of careful care, the doctor found a lumpHe ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.Stand up very close, she said, as she got my tit in lineAnd tell me when it hurts, she said, Ah, yes, there! That’s just fine.She stepped upon a pedal…I could not believe my eyesA plastic plate was pressing down…My boob was in a vice!!!My skin was stretched ‘n stretched from way up by my chinAnd my poor tit was being squashed to swedish pancake thin!!!Excruciating pain I felt within it’s vice-like gripA prisoner in this vicious thing, my poor defenseless tit!!!Take a deep breath she said.Who does she think she’s kidding?My chest is smashed in her machine and woozy I am getting.There, that was good I heard her say as the room was slowly swayingNow let’s get the other one.Lord, have mercy, I was praying.It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sidesI’ll bet she’s never had this done to her tender little hide!!!If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one nowIf there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped–ker pow!!This machine was made by man, of this I have no doubtI’d like to get his balls in there, for months he’d go without.

What does D.A.M stand for?
Mothers against Dyslexia!

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: “God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.”
The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was
praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart
attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was
still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: “God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta
ta, Grandma.”
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the
next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next
night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: “God bless Mommy. Ta ta,
Daddy.”
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the
doctor’s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally
came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, “Thank God you’re here
— we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this
morning!”

This old man goes to the doctor’s.
“Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all
she wants to do is have sex all day long.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I can’t remember where I live.”

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.””That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid bastard!!!!!

A man is nervously waiting in the lobby of a hospital for his
wife to deliver. All the children they’ve had before have been
terribly deformed.

Finally, the doctor approaches the man and says, “Sir please
follow me.” They walk down a long, dark corridor, and into the
wife’s delivery room.

She’s lying there, crying, with a little bundle in her arms. The
man peers over, and moves the blanket. In her arms is a 10 pound
eyeball. The man gets down on his knees, and cries, “Oh, dear
God!! What could be worse?” The doctor solomnly shakes his head,
and says, “He’s blind.”

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!Operator: Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!

yo mama so dumd she failed a blood test
yo mama so fat the doctor told her to go on a no eating diet

An old man goes to his doctor and says, �I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as
good as it used to be, what I should do?�
The doctor replies, �Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in
the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question.
If she doesn’t respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears
you.�
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet
behind her and says, �What’s for dinner, honey?� No response. He moves to ten
feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, �Honey, what’s for supper?�
She says, �For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!�

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said.
“So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient…
“In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.