Category: medical

Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.
Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She says she can’t feel her legs!”

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close
to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag
and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to
see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing.”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working
when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg
gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes
it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his
chum and finds him outside playing football.
“Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing!”
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill
cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and
off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag,
and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his
friend but can’t find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says,
“Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in
a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so i got to shovel again. What a
perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to
see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a
nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow , lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to
*20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! the snow plow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize that I
would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I thought was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t
admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe
I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin’ snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up and
go to out to shovel then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.

December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she…… NUTS?!?! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the Son of
a Bitch who drives the snowplow, I’ll drag him though the snow
by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin’
snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and
I hit him over the head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a
Wonderful Life” one more time. I’m going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million
dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more Shoveling!!

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing
about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor didn’t know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse
replied, ”We don’t know what to do with this baby.”
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, “You should put him into a mental
institution.”
”Why?’ asked the head nurse.
“Well,” replied the chief surgeon, “take a look at him. The boy is obviously
half nuts.”

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention ?” the friend asked. “You look fine to me.”

“I know !” grinned the patient. “But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches.”

The doctor took his patient into a room and said, “I have some good news and
some bad news.” The patient said, “Give me the good news first.” – “They’re
going to name a disease after you.”

Unusual Case
by William A. Morton, Jr, MD

From “Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality” July, 1991 p. 15

Scrotum Self-Repair

One morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he “needed a doctor who took care of men’s troubles.” The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some
half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We X-rayed the patient’s scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn’t leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.

Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctor’s office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him. “Doctor, I just haven’t been feeling well lately.” “Well, I can see you are not eating right.”

A bloke went to the doctor and said, “I got this sex problem,
doc.” “Tell me about your average day,” said the doctor. “It all
starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up
about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o’clock so we
can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work.”

“Oh I see,” said the doc. “No, hang on.” said the man, “You see,
when I get on the train to work I meet this girl everyday and we
get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.”

“Oh…now I see,” said the doctor. “No you don’t,” said our
hero. “When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I
have to give her one in the storeroom.”

“Oh…now I see,” said the doctor. “No no no,” he said. “When I
go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I’m very fond of and we nip
out the back for a quickie.”

“Now I understand,” said the patient doctor. “No, hang on,” said
the bloke. “When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a
very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says
she’ll give me the sack.”

“Ahh…” said the doctor, “now I see.” “No, there’s more.” said
our man, “When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she
gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex
afterwards.”

“What’s your problem then?” asked the doctor. “Well…” said our
hero, “it hurts when I masturbate.”

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries –
“DOC, DOC…I can’t feel my legs, I can’t feel my legs!!!

“Well of course you can’t silly!”, replies the Doc…
“I’ve cut off both of your arms.”

9. You awake in the middle of the night to a tape repeating, “This time it’s true love… This time it’s true love…”

8. You get an electric shock every time you leave the toilet seat up.

7. Everything she says sounds interesting but has no practical value.

6. A trip to any fast food joint always results in ketchup-and-napkin Rorschach tests.

5. After you fall down the stairs, she asks “How does that make you feel?”

4. Instead of a goodnight kiss, she leaves you with, “Looks like our time’s about up”.

3. Win one lousy game of Nintendo and suddenly you’re a manic bipolar schizophrenic with blatent passive/agressive tendencies.

2. During arguments calmly says, “What I hear is that you can’t stand my overly rational, Spock-like approach, and that you feel I should have the stick extracted from my ass. Is that correct?”

1. You’re rewarded with a peanut everytime you correctly hit the G spot.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM —Author unknownFor years ‘n years they told me, be careful of your breastsDon’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.So I heeded all their warnings and protected them by lawGuarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.After 30 years of careful care, the doctor found a lumpHe ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.Stand up very close, she said, as she got my tit in lineAnd tell me when it hurts, she said, Ah, yes, there! That’s just fine.She stepped upon a pedal…I could not believe my eyesA plastic plate was pressing down…My boob was in a vice!!!My skin was stretched ‘n stretched from way up by my chinAnd my poor tit was being squashed to swedish pancake thin!!!Excruciating pain I felt within it’s vice-like gripA prisoner in this vicious thing, my poor defenseless tit!!!Take a deep breath she said.Who does she think she’s kidding?My chest is smashed in her machine and woozy I am getting.There, that was good I heard her say as the room was slowly swayingNow let’s get the other one.Lord, have mercy, I was praying.It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sidesI’ll bet she’s never had this done to her tender little hide!!!If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one nowIf there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped–ker pow!!This machine was made by man, of this I have no doubtI’d like to get his balls in there, for months he’d go without.