Category: medical

Whats does a short sighted Gynacologist and a dog have in common?
They both have wet noses!!!

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day’s drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It’s best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10
co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

A MEN GOT A PHONE CALL FROM HIS WIVES DOCTOR ,AND HE SAYS YOUR WIVES HAS BEEN IN CAR ACCIDEDT SO YOU NOW HAVE TO BAY YOU WIVES ,YOU TAKE HER A BATH ,YOU COVER OVER HER ,AND YOU FEED HER ,THEN THE DOCTOR SAYS NAY I JUST FUCKING WITH YOU ,(SHE DEAD).

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the
time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient.
He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington
D.C.He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these
presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his
find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He
hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he’d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his
driver turns to him and says, “You know….This is completely unfair.” “What do
you mean?” asks the surgeon.
“Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that’s more
than I get paid in a year,” replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that
he is the only person that can give this lecture.
“That’s not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your
lecture so many times that I know it by heart,” says the driver.
“Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can
keep the $50,000 if you do it right.” replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, “Ok. You’re on.”
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change
coats and the surgeon puts on the driver’s hat and sits in the back of the
room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the
questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he’s done, an
audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks
a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
“You know…” says the driver, “I have done this lecture 287 times and I have
never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is
SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.”

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of
carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The
next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in
sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The
next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
“I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots,” says one.
“I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,” says the second.
“I’m going back to the lab,” says the third. “I’m dying for a cigarette.”

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
”She’s out of control!” the first doctor says. ”She does everything
backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine
every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!”
”That’s nothing,” said the second doctor, �earlier this week I told her to
give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one
hour!”
All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.
”OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths
boil!”’

In a fancy restaurant in Washington DC, a Yuppie started to choke on a bone. A woman rushed over, identified herself as a doctor and reassured the man that he was going to be alright.She performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out.As the man’s breath & voice returned he said, ‘I’m ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you ?’ The doctor smiled and said, ‘I’ll settle for one-tenth of what you were willing to pay while you were choking.’

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we’ve found a cure for them: you’ll have to be castrated.”

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

“All right, I guess I’ll have the operation,” he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, “I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.”

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men’s shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, “Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.”

“That’s right,” exclaimed the man, “How’d you know?”

“Well, when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up,” replied the salesman. “Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.”

“Right again,” the man said.

The proprietor suggested, “And for undershorts, I’d say a size 36.”
“There’s your first mistake,” the man said, “I’ve worn 34’s for years.”

“No, you’re a size 36 if I’ve ever seen one,” said the owner.
The man replied, “I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I’ll take 34.”

The owner replied, “Well all right, if you insist, but they’re going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!”

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s butt was that glass eye staring right back at him! “You know,” said the doctor, “you really have to learn to trust me.”

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s ass was that eye staring right back at him.’You know, ‘ said the doctor, ‘you really have to learn to trust me.’

SPOD (Stupid People of the Day)

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter in to the ER right away.

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Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they
took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite
surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency
locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no
longer employed here.

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The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static
electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in
one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, “You
can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod…” That
was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

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I worked for a while at a Walmart store, selling sporting goods.
As an employee of Walmart you are sometimes required to make
storewide pages, e.g., “I have a customer in hardware who needs
assistance at the paint counter.” One night a tentative female
voice came over the intercom system with the following message:
“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”

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A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the
officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the
side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “RADAR
TRAP AHEAD.” A little more investigative work led the officer to
the boy’s accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet,
full of change.

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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his
cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a
bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer
and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
“Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found
them in the hallway.” “Now,” she said, “if only I could find my
gerbil.”