Category: medical

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

“On my balls!”

Alternative Medical Terms
————————- Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.
Artery…………….The study of paintings.
Bacteria…………..Back door to cafeteria.
Barium…………….What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan……………Searching for kitty.
Cauterize………….Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………..A sheep dog.
Coma………………A punctuation mark.
D & C……………..Where Washington is.
Dilate…………….To live long.
Enema……………..Not a friend.
Fester…………….Quicker than someone else.
Fibula…………….A small lie.
Genital……………Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series………..World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail…………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent…………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain…………Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff………A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid…………….A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates…………..Cheaper than day rates.
Node………………Was aware of
Outpatient…. …….A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear….. …….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis…………….Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative……..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room………Place to do upholstery.
Rectum…………….Darn near killed him.
Secretion………….Hiding something.
Seizure……………Roman emperor.
Tablet…………….A small table.
Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor……………..More than one.
Urine……………..Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose…………..Near by/close by.
Vein………………Conceited.

Pass My Shotgun.
Psychotic Mood Shift.
Perpetual Munching Spree.
Puffy Mid-Section.
People Make Me Sick.
Provide Me with Sweets.
Pardon My Sobbing.
Pimples May Surface.
Pass My Sweatpants.
Pissy Mood Syndrome.
Plainly, Men Suck.
Pack My Stuff.

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital, pacing the floor. His wife was
inside having their first child. After a while the doctor came out to talk to
the nervous father.
“Well, your baby is here. It’s a boy. And guess what? He can fly!” The doctor
let go of the baby and it hit the floor with a SMACK. The father was irate. The
doctor calmed him down
“Don’t worry, I’m a doctor. I know what I’m doing. Your baby really can fly.
Watch.” Again, the doctor picked up the baby, and this time tossed it across the
room. Again, the baby hit the floor with a hard SMACK. The father was just about
ready to kill the doctor.
“You idiot! You’re going to kill my baby!”
“Don’t worry. He just needs to be scared a little.” So the doctor took the
baby and held it out the third story window. The doctor let go of the baby and
it hit the sidewalk below with a sickening SPLAT. The father was beside himself
with anger.
“You son-of-a-bitch! I’m gonna kill you!”
“Hey, don’t worry! I’m just joking with you. Your baby was stillborn.”

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

“What’s it cure?” asks a member of the audience. “Nothing we don’t already have a drug for,” the internist replies. “Well, what’s so miraculous about it?”

“One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!”

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!”

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!”

And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!”

And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well….everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!'”

An eighty year-old lady wins the lottery. Not wanting her to die
of shock upon learning this, her children consult her doctor on
how to break the news.

The doctor comes over to the lady’s house. “What would you do if
you won ten million dollars?” he asks her. The lady replies,
“Why, since you’ve been such a good doctor to me, I would give
half of it to you.” The doctor immediately died of shock.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her
a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she
stands in front of the mirror, looking at herslef, asking him
how she looks.

One day fresh out of the shower, she was yet again in front of
the mirror, now complaining that her breasts our too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion,
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day get a peice of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a peice of toilet
paper, standing in front of the mirror and rubbing it between
her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks. “Oh, they’ll
grow larger over a period of years.” he replied. The wife stops.
“Why do you think rubbing a peice of tiolet paper between my
breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?” The
husband shrugs, “It worked for your ass didn’t it?”

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctors asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive ‘yes, yes’ type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

“So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you”.

“Well”, said the doctor, “my wife is right, a beard would suit me”

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general
practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s
probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks
through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…Green wings, yellow bill,
quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird
is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without
looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if
that was a duck.”

What has 500,000 feet and still can’t walk?
Jerry’s kids.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the
doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had
practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no
improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to
give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but its advice that
I’ve gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand,
especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub,
take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to
have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now,
give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice
and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the
FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I
get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed,
I think there’s somebody on top of it. Doc, you’ve gotta help me, I’m going
crazy!”
“Just put you in my hands for two years,” said the psychiatrist. “Come to me
three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“My fee is per visit.”
“That’s awfully expensive, Doc,” reckoned Shakey. “Let me sleep on it, and
I’ll get back to you.”
Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. “Why didn’t you ever
come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for!”
“How do you figure?” asked the psychiatrist.
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital’s emergency
room on the other end. “Sir,” explains the doctor, “Your wife was in a serious
car accident. I have bad news and good news.”
The man, taken back, asks hesitantly, “What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She
will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life.”
“Heavens, Doc, what’s the good news?”
The doctor replies, “I’m kidding. She’s dead.”
One day, Paul complained to his friend, “You know, my elbow is killing me. I
guess I should see a doctor.”
“Don’t do that!” said his friend. “There’s a computer at the drug store that
can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply feed the
computer a sample of your urine and it will diagnose your problem for only
bucks.”
Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample
and walked to the drug store. Then, he poured the urine sample into the computer
and deposited bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of
lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper
which read:
‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It
will be better in two weeks.’
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, Paul began to wonder if the computer could
be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a
stool sample from his pet dog, and urine samples from both his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the mix.
The next day, Paul returned to drug store and poured the sample into the
computer. Next, he deposited bucks. The computer started making some noise and a
number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip
of paper which read:
‘Your tap water is too hard… getting a water softener. Your dog has
ringworm… bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using
cocaine… put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and
they aren’t yours… get a lawyer. And, if you don’t stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.’