Category: little johnny

A woman is driving down the freeway with her daughter Kimmie. Kimmie is digging through the glove box looking for something.
“Oh, SHIT!” yells young Kim in complete frustration.

“Kim! Do you know what that means?” said the woman.

“Yes, Mommie. That’s what you say when you can’t find something.”

Q: What is many different colors, and a pain in the butt?

A: A Jackass! (Donkey)

what relly smells . after you go dup and walks in they will die.

Four men are golfing one day. The First man steps up to tee and states boastfully “My Son is so rich that he bought his lover a house”.

The second man steps up to tee and says, “Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car”.

The third man steps up and says, “My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami.”

Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, “Well, my son isn’t rich and self made like yours and he’s gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami.”

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to have to report you.”

“But everyone pees in the pool,” said Little Johnny.

“Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”

The father of five children won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?”, he asked.
“Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison:

“Okay Dad, you get the toy!”

As the end of the year rolls around, a kindergarten teacher starts getting presents from the children in her class.

First, a little girl whose father owns the meat shop in town hands her a box.

The teacher shakes it and says, �I bet it�s some beef jerky.�

�It is!� the girl cries.

Then a little boy whose father owns a local candy store hands her a box.

The teacher shakes it and says, �I bet this is some candy.�

�Yes, it is!� the boy squeals.

Finally, a boy whose dad owns a liquor store comes forward. As the teacher takes the present, she notices it�s leaking.

After tasting a drop from the box, she says, �I bet it�s white wine.�

�No,� the little boy says.

So the teacher puts a few more drops into her mouth. �It�s champagne, right?� she says.

�Nope!� the little boy cries, happy that he has fooled his teacher.

�I give up,� she says. �What is it?�

The little boy shouts, �It�s a puppy!�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

What do you call a monster who is famous?

A mon-star!

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? “Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”(Judy, 8)

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.”(Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”(Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? “You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.”(Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them”(Lynette, 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”(Jan, 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”(Roger, 9) “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”(Jeanne, 8)

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”(Gary, 7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘Sesame Street’ is on television.”(Anita,6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER “One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.”(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? “Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.”(John, 9)

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.”(Dave 8)

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are… on fire.” (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU” “The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.”(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS “You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.”(Doug, 7)

“It might help to watch soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? “It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it.”(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE “Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7) “Don’t forget your wife’s name. That will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8)

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”(Randy, 8)

A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother.

One morning she was over at the doc’s house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic.

It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny.

The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen.

When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, “I don’t think it’s necessary, just watch him closely for any change.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.

“An ambulance just drove by.”

A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.

Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, “IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?” It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.

Well the other son being the “bad” kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he’d love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have “mad passionate animal sex.” When they were done, the lady said she didn’t want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.

When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, “How much did you make,” looking at his “good” son. The “good” son said $10, with a modest look on his face.

Then the dad glared at his other son and said, “How about you?” The bad son said, “well… I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!”