Category: little johnny

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

Q. Why don’t you tell a joke to a hill?

A. Because it finds it hill-arious and crack up.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy”.

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning”.

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”

“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.

TEACHER: “Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one
sentence.”

JOHNNY: “De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail.”

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.” Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance… Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.” By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?” Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far…” submitted by: Lisa

Q:WHY O WITCHES FLY ON BROOMS?
A:BECAUSE VACUUM CLEANERS ARE TO HEAVY!

BY DORAN, AGED 17, SHEFFIELD

i smile,u smile,
i laugh,u laugh,
i cry,u cry
what am i????

After last weekend’s conference of the American Librarians Association, the Children’s Books committee has prepared this list of books NOT on their recommended list:

• 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
• A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
• Alice in WonderBraLand
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano
• Barney’s Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
• Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System
• Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
• Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep
• Controlling The Playground: Respect through Fear
• Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
• Dad’s New Wife Timothy
• Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
• David Duke’s World of Imagination
• Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’
• Ed Beckley’s Start a Real Estate Empire with the Change from your Mom’s Purse
• Furious George Delivers the Mail
• Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
• How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
• Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
• Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can’t Remember the Endings
• Legends of Scab Football
• Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica Without their Clothes On
• Maybe Dick
• Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures
• Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge
• Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
• Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
• The Big Little Book of Necrophilia
• The Boy Who Ate Spinach…And Lived To Tell About It
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
• The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
• The Crack House at Pooh Corner
• The Dummy’s Guide to Crying
• The Dyslexic’s Big Anagram Book
• The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
• The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and The Vice Squad
• The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
• The Legend of Three-Card Monte
• The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
• The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civilians
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• The Tickling Babysitter
• The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Those Great Childhood Fragrances…Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats
• Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
• Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your Nose
• When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
• Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
• Where the Wildings Are
• Where’s Waldo’s Weewee?

**EXTRA**

The committee has also found these Dr. Seuss books, written after he “lost it”, and put them on the NOT recommended list:

1. The Cat in the Blender

2. Are You My Proctologist?

3. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

4. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?

5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

6. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!

7. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet

8. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

9. Aunts in My Pants

10. Horton Fakes an Orgasm

At Sunday school, the new teacher, finished the day’s lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.

“Mr. Morris,” announced little Jojo, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”

“What’s that Jojo?” asked Morris.

“Well according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,
right?”

“Right.”
“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Er – right.”

“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again, you’re right.”

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel
fought the Romans and the Children of Israel were always doing something
important, right?”

“All that is right, too,” agreed Morris. “So what’s your question?”

“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey. “What were all the grown-ups doing
all that time?”

Little John and his classmates were learning the ABC’s and suddenly he had to
go to the restroom so he asked the teacher and the teacher said only in 1
condition if he said the ABC’s. So he said a b c d e f g h i j k m n o q r s t u
v w x y z and then the teacher asked were the “p” went and little John said
“down my pants”.

A woman is driving down the freeway with her daughter Kimmie. Kimmie is digging through the glove box looking for something.
“Oh, SHIT!” yells young Kim in complete frustration.

“Kim! Do you know what that means?” said the woman.

“Yes, Mommie. That’s what you say when you can’t find something.”

Q: What is many different colors, and a pain in the butt?

A: A Jackass! (Donkey)