Category: little johnny

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies, “Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.”

Little Johnny’s neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”

Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.” “Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be in trouble if he needed glasses”

Q. What is Goldilocks in the winter?

A. Coldilocks!

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. And when told she couldn’t have any, began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry–only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the check-out stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

Whereupon the mother said, “I’m Monica…….my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our rooster’s dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?”

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, thats so god can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

“Gee Dad thats great”, said little Johnny.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming, and if it hadn’t of been for those two sailors holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”

“No,” said his mom, “Of course not.”

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by rblondie

A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream.

The mother is having a bad day and snaps, “NO!”. The little boy turns and runs into his room.

After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door.

“Johnny, I’m sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?”

“Sure,” Johnny replies. “How about we play Mommy and Daddy?”

“OK,” says the mother. “How do we play?”

“You go upstairs and lay down on your bed.”

The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs.

Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throught the closet and finds his dad’s hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt.

After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs.

There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, “Get your ass out of bed and get that kid some ice cream!”

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”

“Johnny,” the father said, “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”

“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Q: what do you call a bull that sleeps
A: a bulldozer

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does ‘begat’ mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother.
-Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something – please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD,
You don’t have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I’m not praying.
-Elliott

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they?
-Marsha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah – “You made an ark on dry land you fool.” But he was smart, he stuck with You. That’s what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
-Eugene

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently
was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to
use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators…

I just love to fill out stupid questions on forms with equally
stupid answers. Thought I’d share a few that were emailed to me:

Form: Length of Residence…
Answer: 73 feet

Form: Are you a leader or a follower ?
Answer: A leader, but w/o many followers

Form: Reason for requesting employment
Answer: Money

Form: Pet Aversions
Answer: None, I love animals

Form: Beneficiary
Answer: Wife
Form: Relationship
Answer: Strained

Form: Purpose of withdraw
Answer: Get money to spend

Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident
Answer: Anyone in sight

Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident
Answer: Three
Form: Disposition of passengers
Answer: Mad as Hell !

Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex
Answer: None that I know of, Liquor a much larger problem