Category: little johnny

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all
suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach:
she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.

First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister’s study.

Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments,
then challenged the boy: “Young man, where is God?”

The boy was stunned to silence.

The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: “I
asked you, Where Is God?”

The boy began to quake with dread …. this was no ordinary lecture for being
bad!

Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now
shouted his question, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running
headlong into his little brother.

“What’s wrong? What’s the matter?” his brother asked. ………”It’s awful!
The church has LOST GOD and they’re BLAMING US!

What did one casket say to the other ?

Was that you coffin?

One day a little boy goes to his Mother and asks her, “Mom, do honey’s have legs?”

The Mother replies, “Why are you asking me this?”

“Because every night when I go to bed, I hear Dad say ‘Honey, open your legs’ ”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

Teacher: Where is your homework!

Student: I ate it you said it was a piece of cake!

One day at the end of class Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched.”

Next up was Little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun,but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

“Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t screw with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.

One day, Hannah the teacher is reading out loud to her class the story of
Chicken Little. Hannah soon reads out the bit where Chicken Little tries to warn
the farmer. �So Chicken Little went over to the farmer and said, �the sky is
falling, the sky is falling.�
Hannah then asks her class, “What do you think the farmer then said?”
Little Moshe raises his hand. “I think he said, �Goodness, a talking chicken.”

Me: Will u remember me in a second?
Somebody else: Yes
Me: Will u remember me in a minute?
Somebody else: Yes
Me: Will u remember me in a hour?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Will u remember me in a month?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Will u remember me in a year?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Another year?
Somebody else: yes

Me: Knock, knock

Somebody else: Whos there?

Me: Horseridertiff

And then somebody else says: Horseridertiff who?

Then me says: I thought u would remember me!

***********************************************
Because u said will u remember me in a minute and the rest of the stuff.

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says “See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can’t have one!” The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling “Nah na nah na nah”. The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. “See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can’t have them!”

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says “You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can’t go buy you one!”

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl “Well, what do you have to say NOW?” So she pulls up her dress and says…

“My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”

The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is “beautiful”. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use “beautiful” in a sentence?”Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”Teacher says, “Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.”Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.”Teacher says, “Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it’s your turn.”Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.”

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frost-bite!

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
Because you can see right through him.