Category: little johnny

One day in the class room the teacher told the class were going to play a moral of the story game.

Instantly Johnny raised his hand, the teacher looked over and thought to herself no I wont pick Johnny he’ll have something to do with sex or swearing, so the teacher picked Betty.

Betty started by saying, “one day I went out to collect the eggs from the chicken coop and dropped them.”

The teacher asked “and what’s the moral to that story?

Betty said “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”.

The teacher looked around the room and deiced alright Johnny.

Johnny started off by saying, “one day my dad was in nam his LT. told him he had to take that hill and hold it at all costs, so my dad sat down pounded a 5th a whiskey ran up the hill and killed everybody.”

The teacher looked up shocked and said, ” alright what’s the moral of that story?”

Johnny simply sat back and said “DON’T FUCK WITH MY DAD WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING.”

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why did the baby strawberry cry? beacause its mom was stuck in a jam!

Two snowmen in a field one says to the other one “I smell carrots”

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation, “Well what did you name them?”

The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?”

The brother replied, “Denephew.

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the butter!

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up, “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

How is a dog’s tail like the center of a tree?

It’s furthest from the bark!

Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, “My God, you’re ugly, aren’t you!”His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. “You naughty boy!” she screamed, “How can you say to your aunt that she’s ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you’re sorry!”Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, “Aunt Tess, I am sorry you’re so ugly.”

what do you call ray when he got hit by a ten tonne truck?

XRAY…………..

SORRY KIDS

One day, during English class, the teach says, “Who can tell me the meaning of ‘indifferent’?”

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows.

Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant, call on him. “Yes, Johnny?”

“Teach, it’s means ‘lovely’.”

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, “Johnny, can you explain why you think ‘indifferent’ means ‘lovely’?”

“Sure, teach. Last nite when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, ‘That’s lovely. ‘Dad replied to her, ‘Yep, it’s in different.'”

Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or “drugs”. This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are “high” is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.

KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child.

1. Your child’s idea of a fun sport to play is:

A) tossing a pigskin ball around

B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole

C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.

2. Your child’s idea of a responsible adult is:

A) Bill Clinton

B) Tom Hanks

C) Charles Manson.

3. Your child’s favorite hobbies include:

A) Model Rocketry

B) Baseball

C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags.

4. Your child’s pet is:

A) a puppy dog

B) a 16′ python

C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.

5. Your child’s breath smells like:

A) a fresh, minty mountain top

B) lunch

C) an opium den.

6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:

A) Fred and Ginger

B) Regis and Kathy Lee

C) Sid and Nancy

7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:

A) a precious metal

B) a Mexican theme park

C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.

8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer:

A) they scored a goal for their soccer team

B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test

C) they scored a dime bag and got high.

Total up the number of times you answered “C” to the questions above, and consult the table below.

0 “C’s”- Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren’t that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all it’s murkiness.

1-3 “C’s”- Your child might be on drugs, but you can’t be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn’t really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.

3-6 “C’s”- You may as well face it, you’ve got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze.

7-8 “C’s”- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.