Category: little johnny

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

“Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher.

Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”

A teacher asked, “All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?”

Mary answered, “A chicken gives eggs!”

The teacher then asked, “Now who can tell me what a goat gives?”

And Paul answered, “A goat gives goat milk!”

And finally the teacher asked, “Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?”

And Little Johnny replied, “Fucking homework and tests!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

There was 3 people in an airplane : a librarian a teacher and an army guy.

The librarian said “I always wanted to throw a book out the window”. So she did.

The teacher said “I always wanted to throw an apple out the window”. With that she did.

The army guy said “well since they are I might as well throw a bomb out the window”. And he did.

The plane lands and they go walking and they see this boy crying. The librarian asks why he is crying.

“I was walking and a book hit me on the head”, said the boy.

They walk a little further and they see this girl crying. They ask why she is crying and say says “I was walking and all of the sudden an apple hit me on the head!”

They continue walking and a little further and they see a boy rolling on the ground laughing.

“Why are you laughing?”, they ask.

The little boy says “I was walking and when I farted the building over there behind me blew up!”

What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:

“It’s kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole.”

In the courtroom the judge is asking the little boy, “Do you want to live with your mother?” The little boy says, “No, she beats me.” The judge says, “Do you want to live with your father?” “No, he beats me too,” says the little boy. The judge scratches his head and says, “Ok, son, then who do you want to live with?” Without a moment’s hesitation the boy says loudly, “The Houston Astros, because they don’t beat anybody.”

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel!
Q: Why do witches think they are funny?
A: Every time they look in the mirror the mirror cracks up!
Q: Why does the skeleton not like parties?
A: He has no-body to dance with!

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was
going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”

“It goes moo.”

“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”

“It goes meow.”

“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”

“It goes baaa.”

“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”

“Errr.., it goes.. click!”

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”

One afternoon there was a family who was coming back from church. While the were on the road they passed by a cement factory. The factory was giving off some steam from their ducts. One of the smaller kids in the back of the mini van looked at the steam and said, “Humph”. “So thats how clouds are made”.

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo.

But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.”

“Very good, William,” cooed the teacher.

“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther.

“Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.

Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

“I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”

“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”

On the first day of kindergarten, the teacher said, “If anyone has to go to
the bathroom, hold up two fingers.”
A little voice from the back of the room asked: “How will that help?”

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all
suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach:
she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.

First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister’s study.

Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments,
then challenged the boy: “Young man, where is God?”

The boy was stunned to silence.

The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: “I
asked you, Where Is God?”

The boy began to quake with dread …. this was no ordinary lecture for being
bad!

Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now
shouted his question, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running
headlong into his little brother.

“What’s wrong? What’s the matter?” his brother asked. ………”It’s awful!
The church has LOST GOD and they’re BLAMING US!