Category: little johnny

Child – Dad?

Dad – Yeah?

Child – Are we poor?

Dad – uhhh….kinda i donno!

Child – well, if we were rich what would we buy.

Dad – I donno

Child – Is that why we are poor?

Dad – *sigh*

A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl
asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?” The mother responded, “Honey, women
don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.” The girl then
asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Her mother responded again, “That’s
another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another
question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” The mother, a little
annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me
very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.” The little girl, frustrated,
sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with
her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend said,
“All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just
a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.” Later, the little
girl and her mother were out and about again. The little girl started off with,
“Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years
old.” The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know
that?” The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you
weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.” “Where did you learn that?” The little girl said,
“I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in
sex.”

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling “She’s in the BATHROOM!”

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

Mom

Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.
“Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.

“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger,” said the
girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

“Why are you crying?” asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, “I’m here for a urine test.”

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and
authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ and other role playing
games.
8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says ‘Whom’ instead of ‘Who.’
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they
can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.

Here’s a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.
This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! 🙂

MESS TEST – Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST – Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST – Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST – Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST – Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST – Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST – Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST – Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) – Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) – Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT – Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

When the day came, Little Johnny and his daddy got in the car and headed for the zoo. They were gone most of the day, and as the sun was setting, they arrived home.

“So how was it?” his mother asked Little Johnny.

“Great!” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy really liked it a lot,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “especially when one of the horses came racing home at 30 to 1 odds!”

Apparently from students who didn’t study…The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.Thunder is a rich source of loudness.Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.A monsoon is a French gentleman.To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Why old man can’t walk?

because he got a walk sick.

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

– The future of “I give” is “I take.”

– The parts of speech are lungs and air.

– The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

– A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

– Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

– The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

– The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

– We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get oursilk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

– A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

– The climate is hottest next to the creator.

– Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

– Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

– In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts.

Such pests, they give me no rest and I’m half-way to the nut hatch.”

“What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

“Superb! I can’t believe it,” Mary said. “I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, “Ugh, look at this – my mom just bought strained plums!”

The second baby says, “You think that’s bad – my mom just bought strained peas!”

And the third baby says… “You think you guys got it bad?
How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!”