Category: little johnny

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly
prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests…
MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up,
pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple that already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.

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4

1

Q. What happens when a frog parks illegally?

A. It gets toad!

What kind of apples grow on pine trees?

pine apples

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

There once was a little boy who fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke?

He took a bath with Bubbles.

Wanna hear another dirty joke?

Bubbles was the girl next door

“Any complaints?” asked the teacher during school dinner.

“Yes sir,” said one bold lad, “these peas are awfully hard, sir.”

The master dipped a spoon into the peas on the boy’s plate and tasted them.

“They seem soft enough to me,” he declared.

“Yes, they are now, I’ve been chewing them for the last half-hour.”

Submitted by Frodo
Submitted by calamjo and Curtis

Q) Where do you find a dog with no legs ?

A) Exact where you have left him

A child custody case was held in court.

The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn’t decide who he should grant full custody to.

So he asks the little boy, “Would you like to live with your mother?”

“No,” said the boy.

“Why not?” said the judge.

“Because she beats me.”

The judge says “Okay, then you’ll go live with your father.”

“Oh no,” cried the boy. “He beats me too!”

Dumbfounded, the judge asks, “Okay, who do you want to live with?”

“I want to live with the Boston Red Sox.”

“Why?” asks the judge.

“They don’t beat anybody.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about God. He goes up to his
mother and asks, “Mom, is God boy or girl ?” Not really know what to say the
mother just says, “Well, son, he’s boy and girl.”

So he asks his mother, “Mom, is God black or white?”

Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells her son, “Well ,son,
he’s black and white.”

So the little boy looks at his mother as though he finally understands and
says, “Ohhhh, I didn’t know that God was Michael Jackson!”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid , the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

I’ll tell you how lazy my kid is.

His goal in life is to become a tailor in a nudist colony.

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

“Does anyone know what this is?” She asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my daddy has two of them!”

“Two of them?!” the teacher asked.

“Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”