Category: little johnny

Well I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated.
My 3-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly.
One day we stoped at taco bell for a quick lunch in between errands, it was so
busy with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco I smelled something funny so of course I checked my
7-year-old daughter and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him
and he said no!
I kept thinking, oh lord that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any
clothes with me.
Then I said, Matt are you sure you did not have an accident, he said, no mommy
it’s just gas.
I just knew that he must have had an accident cause the smell was getting
worse. SOOO I asked one more time MATT DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT!
This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up, and yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, SEE MOM IT’S JUST GAS!!!!…

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos he calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
I was mortified but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six- year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner”!

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Murphy’s Laws Of Parenting…

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Familiarity breeds children.

For adult education, nothing beats children.

God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Having children will turn you into your parents.

If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.

If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – actually from Erma Bombeck

One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

The best thing to spend on your children is time.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

You can learn many things from children…like how much patience you have.

What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?

Pat.

What is Black and White, and Red all over?

Answer: A Skunk with a diaper rash.

If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

The maitre d’ of a fashionable restaurant looked up and saw three little girls standing in the waiting area. They were dressed in their mother’s clothes, had on high-heeled shoes and were wearing lots of make-up.

The lunch crowd hadn’t started to arrive yet so he decided to treat them like regular guests just to see what they were up to. He seated them at a table and asked what they would like to order.

The first little girl ordered a martini, the second one asked for a margarita and the third one said, “I’d like to have a douche…my mother says they’re very refreshing.”

Two small children are peeking through their parents’ slightly ajar, bedroom door, as one says to the other “Boy, and she shouts at me for sucking my THUMB!?!”

Q:What do you get when a duck and a cow cross the road?
A:Milk and Quackers

Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange…”Second little boy says…”Trees are definitely green” The teacher replies, “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: “Does a fart have lumps?”The teacher looks horrified and says…”Johnny! Of course not!!!””OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…”

The little boy was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc.).

After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school.

After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse.

He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.

She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him.

The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made.

After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.

She said “Johnny, what are you doing? You can’t walk around like that.”

He replied, “Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunch time she would come pick me up then.”