Nice Teacher

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”

The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!

Shades of Grey

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of
white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked,
“Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Divorded Barbie

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized Christmas was coming up and he had not yet purchased his daughter a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, and Ken’s furniture.”

What a Chicken Gives

The Teacher asked, “All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?”

Mary answered, “A chicken gives eggs!”

The Teacher then asked, “Now who can tell me what a goat gives?”

And Paul answered, “A goat gives goat milk!” And finally the Teacher asked, “Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?”

And Little Johnny replied, “Fucking homework and tests!”

Kids in Hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

Little Jane climbs a tree…

Little Jane came home from school and said, “Mommy mommy guess what? These boys wanted me to climb up a tree, so I did.”

Her mom said, “You don’t be a’ doin’ that! Those boys just wanted to see your panties!”

“Ok mommy”, little Jane said.

The next day at school, the boys asked her to do it again, so she did, and at the end of the day she told her mom and her mom said, “I told you not to be a doin’ that! Those boys just wanted to look at your panties!”

Little Jane looked at her mother and said, “Don’t worry, mommy. I was smart this time… I didn’t wear any panties.”

Dump trucks and fat ladies!

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a “Beep..Beep..Beep” and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man’s beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said “Look out dad she’s backing up!”

Serving the Turkey

Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm. When they came to the corral, he explained, “That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.”

A little later on, he said, “That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s serving her too.”

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Will you please serve the turkey?”

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “If he does I’m eating a hamburger!”

Hide and seek

Mr & Mrs Levy had two sons. They were brothers, of course. One brother was
called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and the other brother was called TROUBLE.
One day, the two brothers were playing hide and seek in the street and it was
TROUBLE�s turn to hide. While MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS was counting to 100,
TROUBLE ran down the street and hid inside a thick hedge.
Then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started looking for his brother. He looked behind
some trees, he looked inside some cars parked in the street and he even looked
under the cars, but he couldn�t find his brother. But when MIND YOUR OWN
BUSINESS started to look inside dustbins, a policeman saw him doing this and
came over to have a word with him.
The policeman said, �And what, may I ask, are you doing little boy?�
And the boy replied, �Playing a game.�
The policeman then asked, �What�s your name?�
And the boy replied, �MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.�
The Policeman got angry and said loudly, �Are you looking for trouble?�
And the boy replied, �Yes.�