a guy and a gariffi walk into a bar and the guy says to the bartender two pitchers of beer one for me and one for my gariffi. so they drink all the beer and later that night the gariffi passes out on the floor and the guy walks towards the door and leave the gariffi lying there and the bartender says yo you right yeah you, you cant just leave that lyin here and the guy says thats not a lion thats a gariffi
Category: little johnny
Tail light
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid says, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humouring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A tomato in an elevator
Q: What’s red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Magic
Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon
and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or
drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up
and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition
of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of
them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them
blurts out, “I wish the ocean was made of beer.”
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, “You idiot! Now we have to
piss in the boat!”
Train conductor
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who
want off, get the hell off now… cause this is the last stop! And all of you
sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we’re
going down the tracks”
The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of
language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train… but I
want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his
train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say… “All
passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She heard her little darling continue… “For those of you just boarding,
remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen…”
We Don’t Say Damn
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. After a little while, a student, by the name of Little Johnny, was having some difficulty with the work and was heard to exclaim loudly, “Damn!”.
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”
Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, “Not even when its all fucked up?!”
Garters
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Pat?”
“I just saw one of your garters!”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“I just saw both of your garters!”
Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.
“From what I just saw,” replies Little Johnny, “my school days are over!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and yisman
Jack
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three.”
“Four,” answers the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” says the kid.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
On the Range
A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:
Interviewer: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on
this adventure holiday?”
Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.”
Interviewer: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”
Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”
Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?”
Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline
before they even touch a firearm.”
Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”
Mr. Jones: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are
you?”
Future Plans
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
Got Milk?
There was a mother and her 6-year-old son sitting at a table in a restaurant. Behind the 6-year-old-son, there was a woman breast feeding her newborn child. The 6-year-old stands up in his seat, reaches over and grabs the breast of the woman that is breast feeding and says, “got milk?”
^ True story
A Shorty
Q. What is Black and White and Red all over?
A. A Newspapaer