Category: little johnny

An exasperated mother whose child was always getting into mischief, finally
asked, “How do you expect to get into heaven?”

The child thought it over, “Well,” the youngster said, “I’ll just run in and
out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For
heaven’s save, come in or stay out!”

Little Johnny is in Sunday school and the teacher asks the class where Jesus is today.

Paul raises his hand and says, “Jesus is in my heart cuz I love him very much.”

Mary raises her hand and says, “Jesus is in heaven cuz he’s dead.”

Johnny screams out loud, “Jesus is in my damn bathroom.”

The teacher says, “Why is that?”

Johnny replies, “Every morning my dad screams, ‘JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked
him, “Daddy, what is sex?” The father was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is
old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.” When he finished
explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The
father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?” The little girl replied, “Mom
told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The techer is a he.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You’re with her sister.

Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin–January 1st 2000 or 2001.

So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year “1” and ends with year “100”-thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000.

To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had.
Each boy correctly answered “15”.

His next question was, “Now which berry is number ‘0’?”
To which one boy blurted out, “The one that isn’t there!”

There were 3 young kids who noticed that a fire truck that was passing by with it’s sirens sounding. On the front seat was a dog. Of course they had their own explanations for this.

Little girl, “The dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put the fire out.”

Another little girl, No, the dog is there to give the firemen good luck.”

And last but not least a little boy firmly ended the discussion by saying, “No, no, no!!! The dog is needed to find the hydrant!”

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:Take two and keep away from children.

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols.

She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (All of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

one day this kid pooted and blew up the whole world the end

Little David was staring at the clock on the mantelpiece.
Then he says, �Daddy, what do people do in clock factories?�
His daddy replies, �They make faces all day.�

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “Postman Pat” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m
going to give you some money.

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied. “But why?”

“Because,” the boy responded, “my daddy says you’re one of the poorest
preachers we’ve ever had.”