Category: little johnny

Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he’s a chicken!
Doctor: How long has this been going on?

Girl: About a year.
Doctor: Wow! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

Girl: Because we needed the eggs!

Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing. Johnnie replies, “I’m watching that bull fuck the black cow.” The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.Johnnie says, “OK.” and the preacher leaves.The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, “So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?”Johnnie replies, “He sure did! He fucked the white one!”

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer”.

So she said “There’ll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!”.

The kid said “No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don’t believe me!”

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class “Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?”

“Hell no!” replied a little kid from the front row, “We don’t even get a cookie break!”

Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first little black boy says, “What would you do with a million dollars?” The second boy said, “I’d buy that blue Cadillac over there.” The third little boy said, “I’d buy the pink Cadillac siiting over there.” Then the third little boy asked the first what he’d do with the money. The first boy replied, “I’d cover myself in hair.” The other two asked “why?” and he said because my sister has a(2″ x 2″) patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and so I asked why it was so long.

“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”

One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.

“Tonight, go into your sister’s room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.

The following morning, jonny’s mom asked what happened.

Little jonny explained “well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot.

So sister’s boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would.

Except he’s not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick – a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend’s pants somehow.

It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared – her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.

She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!

I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway!

He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn’t dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.

After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it’s skin off and flush it down the toilet!”

Little jonny’s mom fainted

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they’re having sex. He asks what they’re doing and the father says “we’re playing poker” and the mother says “& I’m his partner”.

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they’re doing. The grandfather says “We’re playing poker” and the grandmother says “& I’m his partner”.

He then goes into his brothers room and he’s wanking. He asks what he’s doing. The brother says “I’m playing poker”.

The other brother asks why he doesn’t have a partner and the brother replies, “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand !”

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After
explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,
“Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north
latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?” After a confused
silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Some things I’ve learned from my children:

Super glue “is” forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. Pool filters “do not like Jell-O!”

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It’s been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! (boom tish!!)

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” replied little Johnny.

His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, now he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says…
“Are you going to tell him, or should I?

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!