Category: little johnny

“That’s an excellent essay for someone your age,” said the English teacher.

“How about for someone my mum’s age, Miss?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman, curtis and Tantilazing

How did the sand get wet?
The sea weed!

Why did the guy sprinkle coconut on his dick?

So his wife could have a Penis Colada.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1?

Because they had just finished a 31 day March!

Children in the back of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there’s a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, “Don’t fight with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”

Little Willie had a gambling problem. He’d bet on anything. One day, Willie’s father consulted his teacher.

The teacher said. “Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We’ll trap him into a big wager that he’ll lose.”

Willie’s father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, “Willie, I want you to remain after class.”

When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, ” Dont say it, Miss Brown; I know what you’re going to say, but you’re a liar!”

“Willie!” the startled teacher said.” What are you talking about.”

“Your a fake!” Willie continued.”How can I believe anything you tell me? You’ve got this blond hair on top, but I’ve seen your bush and it’s pitch black!”

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, “Willie that isn’t true.”

“I’ll bet a dollar it is !” Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson.”Make it five dollars and you have a bet,” she said.

“You’re on!” Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss Brown. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. “You win,” he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. Brown couldn’t wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. “Mr. Gaines,” she said, “I think we’ve finally taught him his lesson.”

“The hell we have,” the father muttered. “This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he’d see your pussy before the day was over.

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms.

His dad said,” Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?”

Johnny said, “No!!”

Johnny’s dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.”

Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios.

His dad, again, said, “Can you touch your asshole with your dick?”

Johnny said,”No!!”

His dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.”

At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny’s dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket.

Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!!

His dad said,”Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?”

Johnny asked,”Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?”

Johnny’s dad said,”As a matter of fact, I can!”

Johnny said,”GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!”

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even when you don’t know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug!”

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too
smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed

to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should
know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the
third-grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The
principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

“Harry, after a moment “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Harry: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants”

Ms Brooks: What’s a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog
do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get
wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best
man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of

heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.”

The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence.

Today’s word is ‘beautiful.’

Little Sally, would you please come up here and use “beautiful” in a sentence?”

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Sally, you may sit.

Little Frankie, your turn.”

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit.

Little Johnny, it’s your turn.”

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. ”And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, ”but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.”