Category: little johnny

Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?”
The father answered immediately, “I don’t know. Nobody has lived that long yet.”

An absent-minded Student went to see a psychiatrist.
‘My trouble is,’ he said, ‘that I keep forgetting things.’
‘How long has this been going on?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘How long has what been going on?’ said the man.

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know crap?”

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: ‘Dad, what’s the difference
between hypothetical and reality?’

The father replies: ‘Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I
feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if
she’d have sex with the mailman for $500, 000.’

The boy goes and asks his mother: ‘Mom, would you have sex with the mailman
for $500, 000?’ The mother replies: ‘Hell yes I would!’

The little boy returns to his father: ‘Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!” The
father then says: ‘Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with
her principal for $500, 000.’

The boy asks his sister: ‘Would you have sex with your principal for $500,
000?’ The sister replies: ‘Hell yes I would!’

He returns to his father: ‘Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!” The father
answers: ‘Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in
reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.’

This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around. Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.

She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.

The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.

He says “The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out until the end of the school day”!!!!!

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from older boys and he
wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took his question to
his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,
his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
everything to his mom. “Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he
turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I
figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must
have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart
just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed
to be having trouble finding it. “I guess he was getting sick too because pretty
soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand
must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got
worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the
end of the couch. This is when the fever started. “I knew it was the fever
because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so
sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his
pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in
one hand to keep it from getting away. “When Sis saw it, she got real scared,
her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff.
She said it was the biggest one she ever saw…… I should have told her about
the one down at the lake. “Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its
head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit
her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her
boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to
keep it from biting again. “Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a
hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost
upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them.
“After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend
got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just
hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. “Sis and her boyfriend
were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He
started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all.
It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats
with 9-lives. “This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on
it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead
because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the
toilet…..”

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, “I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin’ train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin’ bike leaning up against the damn garage!”

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked…
“So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?”

Johnny replied, “I think I got a fuckin’ dog but I can’t find the son of a bitch.”

Q.What are two things you can not have for breakfast???

A. lunch and dinner

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

An older woman let her dog out to go to the bathroom, and before she knew it a neighbor’s dog jumped on and started humping her dog.

She tried pulling the dogs apart and hitting the male dog. She even tried throwing cold water on them and nothing worked.

About this time a little boy came along and the old woman told him that she would give him five dollars if he can get that dog off her dog.

The little boy walked up to the dogs wet his finger, lifted the neighboring dog’s tail and stuck his finger in the dog’s ass.

The dog backed off right away and the little boy went up to the porch to collect his five dollars.

The woman gave the boy his five dollars and asked the little boy how he got the dogs apart.

The little boy said, “Well, lady, he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.