Category: little johnny

Little Jonny asked his mother “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?”

“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his mother

Little Jonny answered ” The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I’ll be damned if I’m sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A pastor was giving the children’s message during church. For this part of the
service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson
before dismissing them for children’s church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on
industry and preparation. He started out by saying, “I’m going to describe
something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.”

The children nodded eagerly.

“This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)” No hands went up. “
And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)” The children were
looking at each other, but still no hands raised. “And it jumps from branch to
branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it’s excited (pause)”

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh
of relief and called on him. “Well,” said the boy, “I know the answer must be
Jesus, but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!”

True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a ‘kiddy harness’ to keep track of him, since he’s an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly, “Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.”

Alex promptly looked at him and said, “Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!”

What did the plow say to the tractor?

Pull me closer John Deer.

This is actually a true story that happened to one of our readers, but it’s as
funny as any joke we’ve heard: One day on the way home from work, I stopped at
the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take
home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered
chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the
bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son
taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones. The next
day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few
things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up
a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and
asked the Pharmacist, ”What’s this?” The woman, looking very serious, said,
”That’s a condom, son.” To which my son replied, ”My daddy BOUGHT me some of
these yesterday!” With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied,
”Those are NOT for children, young man.” And finally, my son replied, ”Then
I’ll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!”

“Accent asked students at Columbus’ Beck School, and Dublin’s Chapman Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing.” These are my favorites:

If you can’t stand the heat, get a Pool.

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the oven.

A bird in the hand is messy.

Don’t count your chickens, eat them.

You can’t teach and old dog new math.

When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.

When in Rome, do bulls run around town?

Too many cooks, so little meals.

A fool and his money are my best friends.

Look before you run into a pole.

A rolling stone is a singing rock group.

A rolling stone makes you flat

Q.Why do we plant bulbs?
A.So the worms can see in the dark!

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying!”

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what’s up. He’s quite embarassed and whispers that he had just recently been circumcised and he’s quite itchy.

The teacher has him go down to the principal’s office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there’s a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

‘I thought I told you to call your mom,’ she says.

‘I did,’ he says. ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’

There was this 8 year old kid who lived with his 82 year old grandma. He had been living with her for some time, and he thought, that with all the work she does, he could at least make her a cup of coffee in the morning.

So he woke up early one day, and made a cup of coffee and brought it to his grandma. She took one drink of it and died instantly. He called 911, and the paramedics rushed over there.

While examining the grandma, one of the paramedics pulls out a little plastic green soldier from her throat. After the paramedic learns that the kid made her coffee and put that soldier in there, of course, the first question is “why”. The kid answered, “Grandma always said, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup’!”

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.