A man’s four year old son came home from Sunday School one day. When he asked him what he’d learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said “Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?”The wife cracked up and told him the term was “circumcised,” but the answer was still yes.
Category: little johnny
Baby’s Revenge
This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!” .
And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.
Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”
nock nock…
nock nock
Daddy Jonny
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his mom, “of course not.”
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Helping the Doc!
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!” the 5 yr. old said.
“He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”
Ways Barney Should Die
1. Nitroglycerin suppository
2. Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
3. Paper cuts from hate mail
4. Wine press
5. Random act of terrorism
6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
8. Exploding gas barbeque
9. Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding
10. Rusty meat hook
11. Pulp digester / Saw mill
12. Sexually transmitted disease
13. Lethal injection of bean sprouts and tofu
14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
15. Barney meets the Terminator. “Hasta la vista…BARNEY!”.
16. Exploding school bus
17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love to all of the carnivores.
18. Children’s Tylenol laced with cyanide
19. Sacrifice to a tribal god
20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
22. Asphyxiation on a Twinkie
23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck
24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round
25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box
26. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road
27. Tail caught in elevator doors
28. Legalization of purple slavery
29. Home lobotomy kit
30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid
31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.
33. Close encounter with a white supremist.
34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor
36. Swarmed by killer bees
37. Purple parasites
38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
41. Assilimation by the Borg.
42. Accupunture with a nail gun
43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.
43. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
44. Hit and run at a school crossing
45. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.
46. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
47. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.
48. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
49. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
50. Harpooned by a whaling ship
51. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and “accidentally” pummeled with a baseball bat
52. Served as Thanksgiving dinner
53. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)
54. OOPS! Barney shouldn’t have soldered that propane tank while full.
55. Mistaken for a Pi=F1ata
56. Run over by a zamboni
57. “I love you” song triggers avalanche.
58. “Accidentally” shoved in front of a subway train.
59. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.
60. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.
61. Crushed between plates in a fault line.
62. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties
63. Inquiring minds want to know…What is the tensile strength of Barney?
64. Used as a crash test dummy.
65. Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.
66. Barney used as shark bait.
67. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
68. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.
69. Diplomatic mission with Klingons
70. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.
71. Nato air strike.
72. Live organ donor.
73. Egyptian mummification ritual.
74. Plummet into an active volcano.
75. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.
76. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.
77. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.
78. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.
79. Purple Jonestown reagent.
80. Visit to the taxidermist.
81. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
82. Take him off Prozac.
83. Forced to watch “The Wall” video without his happy pills.
84. 100 hours of continuous “Black Sabbath”.
85. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
86. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
87. Spontaneous combustion.
88. Bludgeoned to purple paste.
89. Compressed to a singularity.
90. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.
91. Send him to a Bill’s game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.
92. The plague
93. Extruded through microcapilliaries.
94. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.
95. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
97. Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney’s head is full of worms.
98. Massage with a stun gun.
99. Heat pasteurization.
100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.
102. Barney meets Elmira (I’m gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty pieces.)
103. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
104. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.
105. Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.
106. Use him as a zap-o-matic target.
107. Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.
108. Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.
109. Confine him with Marvin the Paranoid Android (Douglas Adams).
110. Put a horse collar on him and abandon him on alt.sex.beastiality.
111. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.
112. Paint “Branch Dividian & Proud of it” and drop him off at the BATF hq.
113. Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set of Ginsu(tm) knives.
114. Barney scrapple.
115. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.
116. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masturbate.
117. Recreate the Challenger accident with Barney playing substitute teacher.
118. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.
We have new babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the
baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he
stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has
become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
Tasting Test
A teacher was testing her class’s ability to taste by giving them life savers.
First she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, “cherry!”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, “peppermint?”
“excellent,” said the teacher.
Finally she gave them honey- flavored brown ones. They tasted the life saver, but could not name the flavor.
“I’ll give you a clue. It’s something that your mommy calls your daddy” said the teacher.
Suddenly , Dirty Ernie shouted, “Quick ,spit them out ! They’re ass holes!”
Childhood Of Yore
I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”
“Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules
didn’t matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn’t an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at
the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
“Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Cat joke
What kind of cereal do cats eat? Mice Crispies!
Things Children Have Learned
No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma’s lap.
2 cute ones…
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn’t be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late to church.
Please don’t let me be late to church….”
As she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again…
“Please, God don’t let me be late to church — but don’t shove me either!
—————————-
One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked hid Dad, ”What are these Pop?”
”They’re smart pills son,” said his father.
”Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.”
So he ate them and said, ”Yuck…these taste like poop!”
”See,” said his father, ”you’re already getting smarter!”