Category: little johnny

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high
school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after
day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they
banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a
dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a
sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my
income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to
beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and
continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached
them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not
going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A freaking’ quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way,
dude. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his
days.

The day before Thanksgiving, this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to the wife, “You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits.”

She wasn’t about to be out-done and said, “Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard.”

Well the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches & bastards were. She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats.

The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way. The next morning they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said SHIT! Well once again the boy started asking questions and asked what shit was. The father told him that is was shaving cream.

The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs where his mom was stuffing turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife she said FUCK! The boy once again asked what fuck was. She told him that it was stuffing.

About that time the door bell rang. When the little boy went to answer the door it was his grandparents.

Upon opening the door the little boy said, “HI BITCHES AND BASTARDS. LET ME TAKE YOUR CROOKED DICKS AND FLOPPY TITS FOR YOU. DAD’S UPSTAIRS PUTTING SHIT ON HIS FACE AND MOM’S IN THE KITCHEN FUCKING THE TURKEY.”

Me and my friend were in gym class the other day when we heard the class were playing flag football.

We had never played it before, so we asked the teacher.

The teacher said, “You have to rip the flag off of the person who has the ball.”

So me and my friend ripped the flag off all the boys.

“Why did you do that?” The teacher asked

We responded,”You told us to rip the flag off anyone who had balls.”

Submitted by Lol_Girl_72
Edited by Calamjo

My kid just spent a fortune on mountain climbing equipment.

He needs it to get to the other side of the room.

why did the chicken cross the road

to get to the other side

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: “Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!”

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

Q.What has big ears, a long tail, and a trunk?

A. A mouse on vacation!

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make
you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me, too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well
as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was
running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better
job lately.”

Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.

‘Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and…’ Mummy tells him to
slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.

‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane.

`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy’

At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on
Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’

At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts
his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down
on the seat and ‘… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.’

A man’s four year old son came home from Sunday School one day. When he asked him what he’d learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said “Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?”The wife cracked up and told him the term was “circumcised,” but the answer was still yes.