Category: little johnny

Daffynition: Hummingbird- A bird who forgot the lines to a song!

There was this little girl staring out her bedroom window, watching two dogs screw in the street.

In curiosity she called for her father to explain what they were doing.

Her father entered the room and asked what was wrong.

The girl then said, “Father what are those two dogs doing ?”

The father hesitantly replied, “Why, one of the dogs got hurt, and the other is helping it to an animal hospital.”

The girl jumped to her feet and said, “It’s just like with humans, Daddy, you try to help someone and you get fucked!”

Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?

Because the batteries died.

Science definitions from Kids…

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.

The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

Liter: a nest of young puppies.

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, “Bobby, when I was a
child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay
like that.”

Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t
warned.”

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar…so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear…”

1. How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.

2. How do you kill a pink elephant? Twist his nose until he turns blue and then use the blue elephant gun.

There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Little Johnny.

The teacher asks Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny says, “I’m not a Bush fan.”

The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a Bush fan?”

Little Johnny says, “I’m a John F. Kerry fan.”

The teacher asks why he’s a Kerry fan, and Little Johnny says, “Well, my mom’s a Kerry fan, and my Dad’s a Kerry fan, so I’m a Kerry fan!”

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if your Mom was a moron, and you’re dad was an idiot… what would that make you?”

Little Johnny says, “Well, that would make me a Bush fan.”

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?” His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt.

His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father and says, “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores.”

what do you call a guy with no penis?

Ryan Contraras

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word ‘penis’ in tiny small letters.

She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

‘The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!’

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid,
‘Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?’

The kid says, ‘Yeah.’

The cop says, ‘Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike.’

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off he says,
‘By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?’

Humoring the kid, the cop says,
‘Yeah, he sure did.’

The kid says, ‘Well next year, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.’