Category: little johnny

The following are genuine snippets from essays by high school students:
“Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.”

“The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.”

“The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.”

Mummy and daddy have taken little Issy to London Zoo. They were watching the
lions.
�Mummy,� says Issy, �what�s a lion’s favorite food?�
�Why, baked beings of course,� she replies.

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually
very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he
needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his
dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go
fishing.

The boy replied, “Yes he did, dad said he didn’t have enough bait
for both of us.”

Dirty Johnny catches his parents fucking. He says, “What’s goin’ on?”

His mother says, “We’re making babies.”

The next night, Johnny catches his mother giving his father a blowjob.

He says, ” Now what’s goin’ on?”

His mother says, “We’re making jewelry.”

Q: What’s red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.

Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.

Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter “g”.

Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.

Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I’ll plaster you.

Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.

Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I’ve got you covered!

Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don’t work.

* Even though its a cool idea, grape jelly cannot substitute for toothpaste.

* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

* If you bring your favorite book into the bathtub with you, it WILL get wet.

* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating tic tacs.

* Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

*You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma’s lap.

A Dinner Prayer
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Dear, would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say, ” replied the little girl, shyly.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie, ” the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!?!”

Little Mary was sitting on her granfathe’s knee and after looking at him
intently for some time, she said, “Grandpa, were you in the ark with Noah?”

“Certainly not, my dear,” he replied in astonishment.

“Then,” asked Mary, “why weren’t you drowned?”

I’d had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came,
I laid down the law: “We’re putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and
reading ONE book. Then it’s lights out!” Her arms went around my neck in a
gentle embrace, and she said, “We learned in Sunday school about little boys and
girls who don’t have mommies and daddies.”
Even after I’d been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have
me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, “Maybe you
could go be THEIR mom?”

1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib…baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.

2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don’t have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze…or even if you do…baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.

3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer… but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.

4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless…baby will find spot.

5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.

6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today…size 3 on Wednesday…

7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.

8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee…let’s see if the washing machine has eaten today…

9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night…that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws..

10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else’s stash and the clothes look cleaner…just trade…they will probably be too tired to notice…)

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly.

“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”

“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely.

“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued.
“You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”

“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree…
…and then I paint the target around it.”

A Professor, who was lecturing in class happen to realise that one of his student lack respect.infact he grew upset with him and he ask him to stood in present of the class, and he said i quote ” you don,t have single respect in you”. Infact, the girl said in reply by saying, sir i have red skirt just that i forgot to bring i talong with me while i was coming to lecture. therefore the Professor could not even wait to laugh because the level of his student understanding is disastrous.