Category: little johnny

My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Eric’s room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric’s ear.Eric was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, “Do it again, Dad!”

“I’m ashamed of you,” the mother said. “Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!””He threw a rock at me!” the boy said. “So I threw one at him.”The mother stated emphatically, “When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.”The boy quickly replied, “What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours.”

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over
to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and
visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t
think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa
won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a
lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the
way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”

One day three boys were riding their bikes in the woods. One of them got lost, so the other two rode their bikes to the police station and reported him missing. The officier asked the two boys what their names were and they replied Shutup and Mindyour Bussiness. The officier replied are you looking for trouble. Shutup said yeah he has my jacket.

What kind of bunny drinks coffee?

Mugs bunny!

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.”Can you imagine,” he demanded, “people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals?And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?”When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the lecturer added, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon, eggs and buttered toast.”

Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman.

Little boy looks her over and turns to his daddy and says, “She is really big and fat isn’t she daddy?”

The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down.

In a few minutes the little boy yells out, “She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!”

The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tell his son, “We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don’t do it again.”

The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman’s beeper went off.

He then yelled, “Look out daddy, she is backing up!”

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force Wing General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the general slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

‘Excuse me, General,’ she asks quietly, ‘but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?’

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
‘I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.’

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a daddy long legs,” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy long legs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them
flat.
“Well, we’re not having any of THAT in our garden.”

Once, there were two parents taking a shower together, so then their two
children (a boy, and a girl) come in the bathroom and the girl asks the mother,
“Mom, what’s that down there?” and the mom answers, “A sharpener”. Then, the boy
asks the father, “Dad, what’s that down there?” and the father answers, “a
pencil”

After 30 min. their parents came in their room and they ask, “WHAT ARE YOU
DOINGGGGG…!!!”,
and they both said, “SHARPING THE PENCIL!!!”

The following are genuine snippets from essays by high school students:
“Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.”

“The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.”

“The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.”