Category: little johnny

How do you make anit-freeze?

answer- take away her blanket

This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn’t quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a ‘special occasion’ napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn’t hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. ‘But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!

This story I heard from a friend of mine. I hope you like it.

My happily married friend of 30 had a quick witted six year old named bobby. Rick, the father made a father-son outting out of going to the local market. Everytime they went, Rick would bring his son pick out a piece of candy, or snack.
Holloween came around, and all the stores put out those little bags of chocolate coins. So when Rick would go to the market, he let his son pick out any bag he wanted. The bag had mixed big and small chocolate coins covered in gold foil wrapping. When they got home, little Bobby would always share with his dad. And like any good father, Rick always took the small ones, and left the big ones for bobby.
So a few weeks had passed, and Rick made an early evening trip to the market, and bobby caught him out the door and begged and pleaded to tag along. When they got there, bobby went searching for his candy. When he passed the isle closest to the register, he caught a glimpse of what looked like the gold coin chocolate candy he liked so much. They were actually those giant gold foil wrapped condoms. So little bobby grabs them, and meets his dad at the register were an attractive woman is checking out his groceries. Bobby puts the condoms on the counter, and says-“Im getting these for my daddy- He likes the LITTLE ones!”

One day there were these 5 little boys
the first little boy went to the priest and went bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water and the priest goes your forgivin
the second little boy goes to the priest bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
the third little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
the fourth little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
then the fifth little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes i know you threw peanut in the water too the boy goes no i is peanut

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old
son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man
thought, “Great… he’s 4 and I’m going to have to start explaining the birds
and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son,
do you have any questions?” “Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. “How
fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a Twinkie snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”

She says with an excited knowing grin, “Oh yes sir, and I’m gonna get boobs too!”

Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room. A little girl was softly sobbing.

“Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.

“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger,” said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

“Why are you crying?” asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, “I’m here for a urine test.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No.”

The little boy goes on, “Please .. please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

The little boy then says to his sister, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, “Please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother no and I’m telling you no.”

The little girl says, “Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

The little girl replied, “Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

A little boy hears the word “whorehouse” in school and asks his father what it means.

His father is quite shocked, and replies: “Well, uh… you go there to… have a good time.”

The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he’s too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to “Suzie’s” to “have a good time,” not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame that he too wants to have a good time. She’s a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady, she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried.

His father approaches him first and asks him where he’s been.

“IN A WHOREHOUSE!” he screams proudly.

“WHAT? Well… uh… how was it?”

“I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last one.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So….here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause, “Tag! You’re It!”

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad’s do for a living.Little Mary says: “My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail.”Little Jack says: “My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better.” All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: “Johnny, what does your Dad do?” Johnny says: “My Dad is dead.” “I’m sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?””He turned blue and shit on the carpet