Category: little johnny

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just down right made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had, what looked like, small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.

The bus bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken’s hand and asked “What’s in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?”

“Well, they’re smart pills.”

“Smart pills?” the bully asked. They opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. “Pweeuuweppblahhh!!” he reacted.

“What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!”

“See, you’re getting smarter already.”

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway
through, the little girl tells her mother she’s going to be sick. Her mother
tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back
after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
”Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way ’round the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.”’

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother
“How old are you?”
Mommy says “Honey, women don’t talk about their age, you’ll learn later on in life.”

The girl then asks, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Mommy says, That’s another thing women don’t talk about, you’ll find out when you are grown up.”

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
Mommy says, “Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s drivers license. It’s just like a report card, it tells you everything.”

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, “Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.” Her mommy is very shocked! She asks “Sweetheart how did you do that?”

The girl shrugs and says, “I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.” The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, “Where did you learn that?”

The little girl says, “I just know, that’s all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex!”

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Johnny’s mother cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, so suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell the rest tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car in the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and said, “…then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army!”

Mom’s Brownies Recipe…

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr “no, no.”
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.”

“But everyone pees in the pool,” said Little Johnny.

“Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

One day a boy approached his mother with a question.
“Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you’re on top of each other ?”

His mother ,very suprised, replies; “Honey you know how fat daddy is, I’m jumping on top of him to help him lose weight”.

The boy knows that’s not working and tells his mother why…

“Mom thats not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!”

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?”

A little girl called out, “That’s the flag of our country.”

“Very good,” the teacher said. “And what is the name of our country?”

‘Tis of thee,” the girl said confidently.

A boy would walk down the street and whenever he saw someone with bowed legs would point at them and yell, “Hey look at that bow legged bastard!”

Well his parents tried to break him of this and finally decided that the child needed some refinement.

So they sent him off to a private school where he read the classics, listened to classical music, all the things that are considered cultured.

When the boy went home he spoke to his parents in a dignified manner. After dinner they decided to go for a walk.

Upon spotting a bow legged man walking on the opposite side of the street he said, “So, tell me father – who are these men with balls in parentheses?”

why was the toilet rool running down the hill ?

to get to the bottom

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, ‘Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.”Well done Roland,’ says the teacher. ‘Can anyone else try?’Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, ‘My Gran says there’s a bug going round and it’s contagious.”Well done, Katie,’ says the teacher. ‘Anyone else?’Little Johnny jumps up and says, ‘Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.’