Category: little johnny

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”

Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

At a school play three kids wore a mask and a long sheet covering their bodies. One kid was black, one kid was white and the other kid was from Iraq. The mothers walked in the play director said can I help you, the mothers said,we come for our kids. The director said, how can you identify your child. The black lady said the kid with the sandwhich is mine, the white lady said the kid with the rope is mine ,the lady from Iraq said the kid with play gun is mine.

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas Johnny’s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, “I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fucking there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.

Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin’ train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin’ bike leaning up against the damn garage!”

Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit.

Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, “So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?”

Johnny replied, “I think I got a goddamned dog but I can’t find the son of a bitch.”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she
came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing
was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They
will in a minute.”

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up
behind a bush.”

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” Mom asked.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so
quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next
to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”

His mother heard what he was saying and asked, “What are you doing?”

The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”

“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.

“Yes,” he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”

The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo

12> Bite into Peppermint Patty and get the sensation.

11> Cash the Met Life policy and jet off to Juarez with the little red-haired girl to see if “collar and cuffs” match.

10> Speak to my shrink about that jazz piano music that follows me around everywhere.

9> Get Peppermint Patty that Indigo Girls album she’s been asking for.

8> Begin rap career as Snoop Master C.

7> Two words: new shirt

6> After bottling it up for almost 50 years, go to a local mall and just curse wildly at children for a few hours.

5> Get barber school tuition from Dad. Blow it on booze and hookers.

4> Tell the dog that if he can pilot a plane, he can get his own damn dinner.

3> Begin auditioning actresses for “It’s Your First Threesome, Charlie Brown.”

2> With Schultz finally out of the picture, stick that football where only Lucy’s proctologist can find it.

1> Get Prozac, get Rogaine, get Viagra, and get busy with the little red-haired girl.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

“LET’S RIDE BIKES!”

Why did the police-man put him self in jail? Because he had no one to put in jail!!

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy
mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered,
“Thou shalt not kill.”

Be nice to your kids… they will pick out your nursing home someday!