Category: little johnny

A little girl got on her grandpa’s lap and said, “Did God make me?”
“Yes,” the grandpa replied.

“Did God make you too?”

“Yes,” the grandpa said.

“Well,” the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and
looking at his thinning hair, “He sure is doing a better job nowadays!”

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell He
hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody
in the bar because, he announces, his wife has produced a baby boy weighing 25
pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan
just shrugs, “That’s about average down home folks. Like I said, “My boy’s a
typical Texas baby boy.”

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says; “Say you’re the
father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks .

We were gonna call you. So—-How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “17 pounds”. The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.
” What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!”

The Texas father takes a long swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him
circumcised.”
 

Little Johnny came home one day and told his dad he had a tough day in math.

“What happened?” asked his dad.

“The teacher got mad at me.” Little Johnny grumbled.

“What for?” his dad asked.

“She asked me what 2 x 3 was. I told her 6.”

“Well, that’s right.” Said the dad.

“I know.” Said Little Johnny.

“But then she asked me what 3 x 2 was.”

“Christ! It’s the same fucking thing!” Cried the father.

“I know! That’s exactly what I told her,” huffed Little Johnny.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”.

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.

Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says…
“Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Where was the man going when he said totheloo

answer:to the loo

When your in the kitchen your Canadian and when your in the bathroom Europian!

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

There were 2 brothers that shared a room. One was 18 and the other was 8. The
18 year old brought home his girlfriend at midnight. The little brother was
sleeping so they climbed quietly to the top bunk. Things started getting hot and
heavy so the guy told his girlfriend if she wants a new position to say
“lettuce” and if she wants him to stop say “tomatoes”. So she started saying
“lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes…. take it out I don’t want to get
pregnant.” The little boy woke up and screamed, “Stop making sandwiches up
their, your getting mayonaise all over my face!”

What room do ghosts never go to
The living room

Knock Knock!
Who’s There?
Dwayne.
Dwayne Who?
Dwayne The Bathtub and I’m Dwowning!

Three guys walk into a room for a job interview. The man that is giving the
interview has no ears. When the first man is called in the interviewer says,
“This job is going to require observations. Make an observation about me.” So
the man says, “You don’t have any ears.” The interviewer say, “GET OUT!” Then
the second man walks in and the same thing happens. When the third guy makes his
observation he says, “you wear contacts.” The interviewer says, “WOW! How did
you know?” “Because you don’t have any ears to hold up your glasses.”

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

I’m not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that’s the important thing.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.