Category: little johnny

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s word processor.
She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

15> No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

14> For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.

13> Not to be confused with “Poke You Man” by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.

12> Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

11> Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

10> Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.

9> Syringe and vaccine sold separately.

8> Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!

7> In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

6> Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

5> For eternal use only.

4> For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.

3> Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.

2> Replacement blades and toes not included.

1> Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.

[ The Top 5 List ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Benjamin was enjoying his trip to the Dead Sea.
During dinner, Benjamin says, �Daddy, if you drop a white hat into the Dead
Sea, what does it become?�
His daddy replies, �Wet, of course.�

A kid is walking around his house when he sees his dad watching a football game. The team his dad wants to win is losing, so out of anger, he yells, “C’MON YOU BASTARDS, JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!”
The kid doesn’t know what bastards are, so he says, “Daddy, what does bastards mean?”

His dad didn’t want to admit to his son that he had cursed, so he said, “Umm, it means, umm, uh, boys. Yeah, it means boys.

Then he walks into the room across the hall and sees his mom watching women’s basketball. His mom’s team is losing, so she says, “C’MON YOU BITCHES, JUST SCORE A BASKET!!”

The kid doesn’t know what that means either, so he says, “Mommy, what does bitches mean?”

The mom says, “Umm, it means, umm, uh, girls. Yeah, that’s what it means, girls.”

So the next day, the kid’s dad walks in from work and puts his coat on a coat rack. Because of his stupidity, the kid’s dad pokes his eye on the coat rack and yells, “OH DICK!!”

The kid comes up to his dad and says, “Daddy, what does dick mean?”

The dad says, It means, umm, uh, coat. Yeah, it means coat.

So then the kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is painting. She accidentally leans over her painting too far, and her hat falls off her head and gets smothered with paint. She yells, “OH PUSSY!!”

The kid says, “Mommy, what does pussy mean?”

The mom says, “umm, it means, uhh, umm, hat. Yeah, that’s what it means, hat.”

So then, the kid walks upstairs to his parents room, where his dad is taking a shower. But his dad accidentally slips on a bar of soap and yells, “OH SCREW!!”

The kid walks up to him and says, “Daddy, what does screw mean?”

The dad says, “Umm, uh, it means, uhh, cleaning. Yeah, cleaning.”

So then he walks downstairs and sees his mom cutting turkey for dinner that night. She accidentally cuts herself and yells, “OH FUCK!!”

The kid says, “Mommy, what does fuck mean?”

His mom says, “It means, umm, uh, cutting. Yeah, cutting.”

So then some friends come over for dinner. The kid opens the door and says, “Welcome bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and pussys? If you’d like to see my parents, my dad is upstairs screwing himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.”

Why did the boy bring a shunk to show and tell?

To show smell

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn’t be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late to church.
Please don’t let me be late to church….”
As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again…

“Please, God don’t let me be late to church — but don’t shove me either!

—————————-

One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad, ”What are these Pop?”
”They’re smart pills son,” said his father.
”Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.”

So he ate them and said, ”Yuck…these taste like poop!”

”See,” said his father, ”you’re already getting smarter!”

A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.'”

Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.'”

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.”
The teacher said, “That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word ‘fascinate’ in your sentence.”

Little Johnny continued, “But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!”

A few children’s books that didn’t make the cut:

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

One night a father sent his kid to bed.

Five minutes later the boy screamed,
”Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!”

”No. You had your chance,” said the father.

A minute later the boy screamed,
”Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?”

”No. You had your chance.
The next time you ask, I’m going to come up there and give you a good spanking!” said the Dad.

Two minutes later the boy screamed,
”Dad! When you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass or water?”

Father:
“Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school.”
Son:
“Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.”

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets
is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the
new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the
formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to
consult your doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck!!!

DAY ONE:

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.

Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.

Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.

Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow
(any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.

Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.

After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it
on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar. Once
cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.

Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I Scream.

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray.

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos.

Q. Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin.

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They’re good at keeping things under wraps.

Q. Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.